When I started law school in the year 2001, most of us would have sold our souls to land a job with Ramachand, Saunf & Family which paid the princely sum of Rs.30,000 per month. 

Then, two things happened:

One, with the economic boom going strong in the west, ambitious international law firms began to look eastwards for hard-working English speaking lawyers that they could hire who would, at some point in the future, help them set up shop once the Indian market liberalised.

Secondly and more importantly, in my fourth year a close friend of mine at law school disappeared completely for a week. I found out later that he had an interview in London with Colby, Hewitt and Richards LLP and that the firm had paid for this trip.

You see, way back in 2005, when law firms in the UK didn’t cut costs by flying down once a year themselves and interviewing in a hotel room for two straight days, they would fly you out to the magical city of London for interviews.

I was hooked.

So I immediately updated my CV and sent it in along with a snazzy cover letter. Of course, I then completely forgot about it.

A couple of months later I got a call from a friend who was a part of the recruitment committee of another law school. It turned out they had received a letter inviting one Mr. Nandii Reywal to London for an assessment. This was my first glimpse of the efficiency that defines Colby, Hewitt and Richards LLP.

I became a minor celebrity in college overnight. Classmates who had sneered earlier, now stopped by to shake my hand. Hot junior girls I would only ogle at from a distance asked me for tips on how to draft a good CV. Even the mooters acknowledged my existence before drifting back into Oppenheim’s International Law (ed. Sir Robert Jennings and Sir Arthur Watts, 9^th edition, 2003). 

My tickets were booked, my hotel reserved and I set out on my journey with much fanfare and trumpet. Not even a non-reclining seat and a Jain meal booked by an overenthusiastic travel agent could dampen my spirits. I was actually going to London for free!

The flight itself was uneventful. I watched a movie I had already seen back in India and shoved my Jain meal down my throat. Then, two things happened:

One, as I looked out of the window while landing, I saw lush green meadows bathed in sunshine that were straight out of the Yashraj films I was addicted to. Coming from a parched brown desert, I decided this was a scene worth falling in love with.

Two, as I stepped off the aerobridge and into Heathrow airport, I was hit by the weird kind of silence that I would later discover is peculiar to England. However, coming from a violently noisy atmosphere, this really unnerved me.

After I had negotiated the incredibly long line for non-EU passport holders at immigration, I was asked very politely whether I could answer some questions for a survey. Apparently, I was one of the lucky people in a thousand who were given this honour completely at random! I wondered what dinner in Guantanamo Bay was like. 

Anyhow, I got out of the airport and hailed a black cab like I had seen Hugh Grant do in Notting Hill. I soon found out why this is not the recommended mode of transport around London. We stopped at every traffic light on the way and I got to my hotel in Russel Square an hour later lighter by £97.

I figured that now that I was here I may as well try and get a job. For the next two days, I memorised the list of awards the firm had won and pored over all the news articles with amazing things written about it. I listed my strengths and weaknesses. I spoke to myself in the mirror and practised my facial expressions. I found words to put my meagre achievements in context, glorifying them to make them sound grander without deviating too far from the truth (eg. Coordinator of a moot court competition sounds way better than a mere bailiff). I polished my shoes and brushed my suit over and over again. I travelled to Moorgate station, found my way to the Colby, Hewitt and Richards office and gazed at it lovingly. I tried to decipher the English accent by speaking to as many tube officials as I could.

The night before my interview, I went to sleep at about 10.30 pm. “Tomorrow is going to be the biggest day of my life”, I thought to myself as I drifted into sweet dreams of mergers and acquisitions.

(Click here to read The Recruit: Part 2)

Dear would-be law student,

(Ermm‘Teenie weenie’ died of over-use)

A few days back, I got a call from a would-be law student’s dad. When he was done with queries regarding the college, the things his son would need, placements etc. he handed the phone over to his son who I could make out, reluctantly, only reluctantly, took it.

‘Hi’, he said. A reluctant Hi, mind you. ‘How are you’, he said. A reluctant greeting again. The chap was nervous. I was amused. But then a very sure question from his mouth, surprisingly:

"How is ragging"?

"You don’t need to worry about it at all", I answered smiling.

"5 Point Someone"?, he asked.

"Sorry"?, (I didn’t get him).

"Ermm...Have you read Chetan Bhagat"?, he clarified.

"A bit".

"Do the things mentioned there happen during ragging"? he asked. The kid was keeping me in good mood. I was amused first, I had smiled before and now I laughed.

The thing is this: if you are going to make ‘The Five Point Someone’ a Bible for deciding what constitutes ragging, you better be an atheist. Read five point someone for a perspective on ragging and you are a ten point loser. I don’t care if you adore Bhagat or think he is trash. I am not concerned. I am concerned about ragging. Why so serious, son?

Now, I am going into a little pedantic mood. Excuse me for that.

If a senior asks you to sing a song, dance, do a pole dance etc. and you consider this to be ragging; you’ll be ragged.

Now, this is not ragging. This is interaction. Positive or not; I don’t know. Some would say it demeans the junior. Not really. If it does, then you and I are being demeaned day in and day out by various stakeholders. Being demeaned then should be a habit by now.

So here is the verdict: interaction (read singing, cat-walking, pole-dancing) happens and a ‘reasonable’ person ought to take this in his stride. How and why? Read on.

Understand the psyche of such seniors. I did psychology till grade twelve. Even if you haven’t should have heard of ‘peer pressure’. These seniors want to be cool and a part of the ‘in-group’.

Secondly they are playing ‘tit-for-tat’. They were made to do to such things and thus they make you do it. They are playing with you. Just like your boss will play with you. Just like he’ll make you do menial tasks because he was made to do menial tasks when he was not the boss. But that is it. Most of them don’t want to harm you.

Now, be reasonable. If you are asked to sing; sing. If you are asked to dance; dance. They aren’t judging you for a competition. So don’t be conscious or shy. If you feel uncomfortable, do it still. Life makes you to do a lot many uncomfortable things, anyway. These are little, innocuous things. Just do it. Get over with it.

Another thing: feign sycophancy. Pretend that you can boot lick till the boot is shiny (just kidding). But still, be humble. I mean pretend that you are a humble guy. Do this with your seniors as you will have to do this with your boss. Don’t be cocky. Cut the red, upright cock’s plume for a while. Cut down the volume of the cock-a-doodle-doos. You will be fine.

Do I support this sort of interaction? No. I am all for having fun for a while, getting to know each other and then helping the junior out. But yes, some people will demean you, through words. Let them go on and on. You don’t listen.

And yes, no one can dare use sticks. I know gory stories that happen. These are sad, and very unfortunate. Its great that a great many voices were raised and action taken. But please don’t take these incidents to be the norm. Nobody will get physical. They won’t even touch you. You can take me on my word.

What if they do or try to do so? Most probably they’ll be stopped at the ‘trying’ stage. And even this is a one in hundred cases or less. If they do hit, don’t hit back. You’ll be sacked as will be your senior. It is a lose-lose situation. Instead complain to a senior or the warden. And complain it as loud as possible. Like a wounded cock. Fear no one.

The senior who did hit you (took you by the collar?) or tried to do so will be punished real bad. Some 20 thousand rupees fine will be slashed, letters sent to his mom and dad or even an expulsion. He might even be put in a correctional home. I mean ‘Jail’. And people hate jails. All thanks to the rules on ragging have really hardened in the last couple of years.

Someone may ask you to ‘moot’ on some problem. That happened to us. It is a law school, after all. I also did recite some Hindi poem when I told them that by hobbies included poetry. And yes, we were made to do some Indian army style marching, some Western pole dancing. All this was fun.

Some of those ‘raggers’ are now very good friends. And regarding sticks and stones and ragging, I’ll leave it to Chetan Bhagat. That happens in his books. Not here. You know, he needs some masala for his books. Just kidding.

Yours reassuringly,

LegalPoet

PS 1-  The recent definition of ragging is very wide and includes causing mental and psychological harm etc. Someone in IITD tells me how their seniors ran away from the first years fearing that they might accidentally rag their juniors. Ha! Food for thought for Bhagat.

PS 2- I think that is about it for this series? Or do you have any topic in mind? Please do suggest.


Some related posts

17 things that hit you in an NLU. How to prepare.

ABCs of an NLU. A is for Adjusting.

Hy dear readers,

Let me tell you at once that this is my premature adventure to write on a subject to which I have started my journey only a few days back and I know I have to travel the earth, walking. And, therefore, I will keep improving this blog while posting my brushing experience. But I am sure, this blog will not the pass the test of umpteen genuine criticism.

In this adventure, the readers, for the limited purpose of reading this mail, has to commit a bonafide temporary mistake to suppose that I am playing a Judge in this write up. Also let me tell you that I have no liberty to think that readers will have mercy to read my looong mails. Five pages is too much, still there are five.
Before I tell you how we decide cases, I will tell you little about court cases.

There were ancient times immemorial when there were no laws to govern and so were no governments & courts and man of victim were settling scores by themselves. But since now when we are a land governed by rules, laws and Judicial pronouncements and scheme of giving Justice by law courts is introduced for facilitation of these rules, laws and Judicial pronouncements, in cases they alleged to have been disregarded.

Let me tell you the whole scheme of Justice in its most common meaning implies the giving of every man his legal dues and the installation of Law Courts are meant for giving that legal due to that man, to the man who comes to the Court with “clean hands”.
Let me tell you that in every complaint filed in the court of law, it is suffice if one merely seeks the bare observance of the letter of the law and the spirit inherent in the letter of the law because NOW since we live in a society governed by Laws, rules & judicial pronouncements.
Let me tell you that we are quite conscious that fortune of time, money and wisdom is invested in enacting laws democratically and this whole exercise is passionately thrown overboard at the mere fascination of an irresponsible man when knowingly acting in clear breach of that law established democratically.
Let me also tell you that we know well the fascination of public Officials’ to established laws and neglect of their duties is the main cause of people’s indulgence in expensive and avoidable litigation; and that our government is known to be a huge contributor to delays, in matters where it is a party – at various stages – from evading notices, replying to notices and replying without application of mind, unnecessarily appealing even when the laws are clearly in favor of the other side, etc.

Now let me tell you how we decide cases.
Let me tell you that whenever a case comes before the Court, Judges in their occupational wisdom, though may appears to be deciding the case, yet legally speaking, they actually look at the law & facts of the case, interprete the law if required, settle the correct position of law, apply these settled laws to the facts of the case and thus the parties get their dues in the matrix of facts of the case & settled position of law.

It is always satisfying to see that a compliant is founded on law points or on equity, or else, let me tell you that complaint is vulnerable to fall flat. Letter of the law and principles of equity are our written voice and it is in the national interest if we remain prisoners of statute laws and do not travel beyond letter and intent inherent in language of the law.

Let me tell you that we can immediately judge the fairness of complainant if we slightly come across serious inconsistencies or untenable averments so made in the complaint.
I will also share a secret. Success of litigation depends upon the satisfaction of the presiding Judge. Wait a moment...... satisfaction means satisfaction by the averments and crisp arguments advanced, written or verbal and impeccable evidences lead.

First of all we see that if the Complainant has reasonably satisfied us that we have jurisdiction to decide the case in hand and we can give authoritative orders/ directions to the opposite parties in the case.

Then we see if the party has satisfied us that complainant has locus to file this case.

If this is done...then we satisfy ourselves to the crispy synopsis so made by the complainant which quickly gives us the gist of whole case.

Whether the case at hand is barred by time limitation or if a proper court fee is paid, are not the issues, which ordinarily, we are suppose to look into. It is the job of opposite party to raise objection to these above issues, if there are any.

After acquainting with gist of the case, we satisfy as whether applicable laws & sections of statutes are neatly & separately presented for its application with gist of the case to which now we are acquainted with. Let me tell you that we are also very anxious to find out the correct position of law as decided in earlier cases on similar points, which have become subject matter in this case.

Although the Advocates seems to be laboriously researching & preparing a water tight case, but sometimes, many irrelevancies and quite repetitions creeps in. Tell me, where is the time to read the whole facts of the case that sometimes runs into even three digit mark. Even if they are into 20-30 pages, it is quite difficult to read patiently, given the workload we have.

It is quite satisfying to see if the principal issue i.e. main area of controversy between the Complainant & opposite parties with respect to facts and law are brought to our notice in the beginning of the complaint, before narrating the looong facts of the case.

If it is satisfied to us that synopsis of the case reveals the violation of right or disclose failure of duty of opposite party in the light of the letter of the law, the complainant has to satisfy us that he has annexed documentary evidences in support of his submissions and he is not making just wild allegation against the opposite party without substantiating his averments. Let me tell you that his case may collapse like structure of playing cards in the absence of clear evidences to support his submissions.

If there are clear evidences annexed to support his submissions, then we move to patiently hear the opposite parties to the case.

After patiently hearing their submissions and their annexed evidences, we verify the submissions & evidences furnished by the complainant party. There may be certain things which the complainant party has not disclosed. We have to see, if these non disclosures have fatal bearing on his case or if those non disclosures are not so important to the final outcome of the case.
Whereas it is seen that advocates and Senior Counsels and even petitioner in persons of PILs vehemently put forth the wholesome illegality of the opposite party, in particularly of the mass abuse of powers by ministers & commissioners and thus they feel that they are naturally entitled to seek relief from us. Let me tell you we know well all this abuse of powers. However, this sometimes irritates us and seems exaggerated to us, though they may be very right.

I think, it is suffice, and more appropriate way may be that if we are patiently told to look into the letter of the law that is applicable in the case at hand, and also brought to our notice the correct position of law as decided in earlier instances by HC & SC, and we are neatly told the conduct of the opposite party and then we may be told to satisfy if the conduct of the opposite party is according to the law established ? Let us we be not told directly to pass orders. We are Lordship, you know.

Let me tell you that we quietly follows the points that advocates are making and can asses their worth; and it is better if we are told succinctly the Law holding the land as on today and the reality holding the land as on today.

Also it is seen that parties seek lot of reliefs and prayers from us. Let me tell you that we do not give them any reliefs; or rather correct way of saying is- we are not here to give reliefs and grant prayers. We are law courts and we are here to interprete the law and settle the correct position of law as it stands in the statute books. And in the light of settled position of law, if the alleging party becomes entitle to the reliefs, he gets it. The relief he gets is the consequence of our duty to settle the law and not any other way.
Dear people, a lethal weapon in hand tempts its owner to use it even unjustly and wantonly and so is the case with possession of undefined discretionary powers we have. But let me also tell you that we are incapable of denying legal dues to anyone who comes to us because we discharge our duties in open public forum; and in the public eye it is sometimes very difficult to abuse powers, especially when one brings forth a clear cut case for adjudication. It all depends on the lawyer who presents the case. Let me tell you that he is quite capable of preventing us from abuse of our undefined discretionary powers. Let me also tell you that urge for justice must emerge from victims because otherwise lawyers are quite busy.

We often feel irritated when advocates ask for immediate reliefs and they don’t care for our satisfaction and our views on it. Let me again remind that we are Lordship. Instead they should pose a question to us. Let me tell you that it is difficult for us to misuse our undefined discretionary powers of passing vague judgments & orders.

Let me tell you that Prayer Clause forms one of the most important part of any pleadings and the draftsman may style this clause in the following fashion, depending on factual position of his case.

The Complainant is discreetly conscious that satisfaction of this Hon’ble Court is prerequisite for success of the complainant’s litigation and therefore this Hon’ble Court is humbly prayed-


1. While taking into account the submissions of Complainant as contained in points .., the Hon’ble Court is prayed to satisfy itself, recording their valued reasoning in its Judgment / order, that if this Hon’ble Court has had the Jurisdiction as to case at hand and if the complainant has had the locus to file the case at hand.
2. While taking into account the submissions of Complainant as contained in points .., the Hon’ble Court is prayed to satisfy itself, recording their valued reasoning in its Judgment / order, that if it is alleged that the case at hand is barred by limitation laws & if the complainant has not paid the proper court fee.
3. While taking into account the facts of the case & position of law, the Hon’ble Court is prayed to satisfy itself, recording their valued reasoning in its Judgment / order that if the “principal allegations made by the complainant”, as outlined in the “points to be urged” against the opposite parties appears genuine & correct.

4. The Hon’ble Court is prayed to record in its Judgment / order, the scope & ambit of ‘these’ legal terms & phrases, which forms part of the statute laws and other applicable legal incidents in this case.
5. While taking into account the submissions of Complainant as contained in points .., the Hon’ble Court is prayed to record in its Judgment / order if the complainant has reasonably satisfied this Hon’ble Court about the due compliance of various ingredients / components of applicable section of law at hand, which brings home, either the right of the complainant or the guilt of the opposite party.

6. While taking into account the submissions of Complainant as contained in points .., the Hon’ble Court is prayed to satisfy itself, recording their valued reasoning in its Judgment / order whether facts of the case & supporting evidences indicates the infringement of rights of the complainant, in the light of the position of law.
7. While taking into account the submissions of Complainant as contained in points .., the Hon’ble Court is prayed to satisfy itself, recording their valued reasoning in its Judgment / order that if conduct of the opposite parties, in the matrix of facts of the case & settled position of law, indicates the frustration of enacted laws / indicates the failure of duties enjoined by law on them.

8. In the light of above satisfaction or the absence of satisfaction of this Hon’ble Court, the Hon’ble Court is prayed to decide & pass orders, interim / final, if the complainant party becomes entitle to the reliefs, as made out hereinafter.
9. XXXXXXX

10. YYYYYYY


Let me tell you that Justice dispensation appear much easy compared to other professions and occupations, save criminal trials & “Basic Structure Doctrine cases”, and yet giving of Justice has become a complication of simple things, for all mercies of law are cornered to defend wholesome illegalities, however beautifully crafted our colonial laws.
Let me finally tell you that there is no guarantee of Justice even if above path is religiously followed, remember our lethal weapon. And if you aspire to restrict the use of our this lethal weapon, tell your government to do two things- and they will not do it, is-

(1) Let all court proceedings be video recorded; and whereas

(2) An Indian Citizen gets eligible to Vote at age of 18, and therefore, he must know before 18 our democracy and how it functions. And so, the subject of Public Administration must be included as compulsory subject for all streams of Higher Education.
=============================================
Now coming back to my original spirit..
Sandeep Jalan (advocate)
Janhit Manch, Kuber Bhuvan, Bajaj Road, Vile Parle West, Mumbai- 400056

http://commonlaw-sandeep.blogspot.com/2010/06/how-judges-decide-cases-may-be.html

In a recent Delhi HC decision Justice Kapoor denied divorce to the wife of a very less known litigator Mr. Smelly Singh on grounds of cruelty. The wife, Mrs. Rosy had contended that the ‘unbearable and nauseating smell’ which her husband emanated after coming from work amounted to ‘cruelty’.

Facts: prima facie stinking

Litigators in India are to compulsorily wear black coats and black pants even in the months of May and June and generally are not rich enough to buy ACs or Coolers.

Recently a petition was filed in the High Court in Kerala seeking a change in the dress code of lawyers – because “the black coat, a relic of the Raj, is unsuitable for the sweltering Indian climate”.

The judgment

The judge wrote in his judgement, “This noble profession of a lawyer swears by sweat. The smell of sweat, however bad always reminds us of the dedication and hard work this age old and noble profession demands”.

 “Law is a jealous mistress, but she has always tolerated sweaty armpits”, said the judge calling for room fresheners, simultaneously.

Wife’s response

When our reporter tried to talk to the wife on phone, her voice sounded very nasal. On enquiry we found that she generally had her nose pinned with a clothes-pin and even her children, Sweaty and Badboo had the same.

When asked whether her husband uses deodorants she said, “Yes. He gets them for free as has been recently selected by the Set Wet Company as a model for experimenting on how their products can prevent sweat and smell in such extreme conditions”.

Role of BCI

Mr. Barrier of Bar Council of India has told us that the Bar Council of India is taking appropriate steps to get rid of this situation. “We are aware of the situation”, he said with a quenched nose.

He added, “We are going to offer free ‘waxing’ facilities for our male lawyers. Body hair is one of the causes of such situations getting worsened”.

“Also, in the bar exam along with name, date of birth, sex etc. we’ll have a ‘sweat condition’ column. The options range from below normal to highly vulnerable. We’ll identify people who need medical help and can allow them some leverage in the dress code”, he said.

Client’s response

However many of the clients of leading litigators say that the smell helps them as they can tell how well prepared the lawyer is just by the strength of the smell he/she emanates.

“I don’t even have to go inside my lawyer’s chamber. I can feel the aura, I mean smell it even outside his office when he is especially confident about a case”, said Mr. A. Sharma client of Advocate B. Verma.

Sex and smell

 “Now that the judgment has been delivered, I must tell you that my husband is otherwise very very sexy”, said the wife, sounding excited.

“But on numerous occasion he has virtually set himself wet and bathed in the deo, but with no smellable results”, she adds, sniffing the air around her.

So, you made it to Gujarat National Law University (GNLU) ? Or thinking of joining it next year ?

Well there are a lot of things (good/bad) that you might have heard about it. All the NLU's have merits and demerits. All the non-NLU colleges will detest the NLU's (generally) for one reason or the other and the NLU's will always think that they are better, in more ways than one. 

GNLU is no different. It will complete 7 years this July. It has definitely grown from strength to strength but has it grown enough ?

I will definitely not tell you the rank of GNLU amoung the NLUs. One very big reason for that is that I don't know. :) It is different in all the surveys done. I guess GNLU usually lags behind in the ranking because 1) only two batches have passed out till now and so we don't have a substantial support from them as of now. This will improve over the years. Drastically. 2) GNLU doesn't have their own campus. The campus is under construction. According to the University reports next years CLAT batch will be able to study in the new campus right away.  

College/hostel is far away from almost everything. Its in a corner of Gandhinagar. The place is far away from any kind of civilization. The curfew time is 9:30 pm but that doesn't seem early as the entire city is closed by 10:00. Gandhinagar is the greenest capital in the country. Good road. Auto rickshaws are the only mode of transportation. 800 students staying together, no dearth of humans in the college campus itself. 

The hostel is a decent place. Twin sharing rooms. I have been told that these are the best hostels amoung all NLUs. Pretty big rooms and decent facilities. Basic stuff is available right outside the hostel. 

Closest place to hang out is Ahmedabad. It takes around 30-40 minutes and transportation is easily available. Gujarat is a dry state (Ha!). So the 'fun places' are sometimes not what everyone expects. 

Gandhinagar has a Cafe Coffee day, U.S. Pizza and proper Punjabi, South Indian outlets.  Veg- Non veg both are available. Cambay resort is the high end place. In short, food will generally not be a problem if you are cool with eating out. Mess sucks ! (almost everywhere).

Faculty, well that's a tricky one. Some of them are exceptional, some are mediocre and the rest all plain stupid. Generally all of them will help when you meet them in person, except for a couple of them who are a pain in the donkey. 

The opportunities are quite a few. Considering the fact that GNLu is getting a lot of support from the State Government and the High Court of Gujarat. 

Placements have been good. Top 4 rankers got through Amarchand this time.  I am not aware about other placement but I have heard that Pangea3, Khaitan, Wadhia Gandhy etc have also taken a lot of people. PSUs take a lot of people. Plus, Gnadhinagar has so many of them. 

Gujarat is known for being safe for women. People here are way more helpful then in a lot of other states in India. (No Offense) 

I want everyone to note that these are all my personal views. I have no intention of disrespecting anyone or any university.  I also urge people to not argue about which college is the best as that kind of arguments never get to a conclusion. All universities are good in one way or the other. 

I guess this is it. If you want to know more, just ask me through a comment. I would be happy to answer them.

Thanks

Keep Smiling.  :) 

Here is what I wish to give

A sketchy account of my life as a judge which I feel competent to mention,

Like any other Judge I also worked hard without fear or favour with utmost devotion,

However, this being a noble profession I assiduously always performed with zeal of a mission.

Yet I had my share of myriad patchy occasions that bartered my mental peace with undue tension,

Though lawyers & judges happen to be twin equal partners in nurturing this profession,

Their endeavors & efforts are seldom rewarded by the dispensation in equal proportion.

While sky is the limit for a lawyer to earn name and fame in this learned profession,

A judge being a salaried official barely finds such a vast scope to reach acme of his satisfaction.

One has to often grudgingly countenance a situation where less competent being preferred for promotion,

And deserving, competent persons deliberately harassed for no ostensible cause or reason.  

But I can nevertheless proudly say that despite all these pit falls & oddities of this profession,

I stand immensely benefited from members of Bar mostly consisting of persons of great scholarship & erudition.

However on the flipside, let one also admit, there was always noticeable a sprinkling of lawyers quite quarrelsome.

Having played my innings when I called it a day a few years back it was a good riddance from such tension,

It is another matter that mired in the bureaucratic wrangles as it is, I have yet to get my full pension.

It wasn’t always like this.

I was a fit, healthy 17 year old when I went to law school. I entered at an underweight 63 kilograms. Seventy-two subjects, three seminar papers and several eating and sleeping disorders later, I exited weighing about thirty kilos more. Also, I had a law degree and a job with a law firm.

This, however, was only the beginning.

********************************************************************

Fun fact: 73.1% of all corporate lawyers are over-weight. 17.9% are simply morbidly obese. 5.9% are underweight (as always, the exceptions prove the rule). The remaining 3.1% are clinically fit (physically, not mentally- there’s usually an OCD lurking somewhere nearby).

Reasons for this may vary. I have identified the following reasons why corporate lawyers are prime candidates for coronary heart disease: 

1. The law school mess guys have the uncanny knack of making everything on the menu taste exactly the same. After five years of their taste buds being systematically desensitised, graduating lawyers are overjoyed to discover various flavours of food. They may overdo their joy a bit.
2. As they are no longer on a student budget, lawyers can afford to spend on the exciting food mentioned in 1 above.
3. Clients refuse to fly you in business class comfort if you can fit it into an economy seat without oozing.
4. Sitting at a desk for 16 hours every day is not particularly conducive to a high metabolic rate.
5. In defense of the corporate lawyer, there is not much scope for activity in a law firm. Email, fax machines, telephones and intercoms contribute to a culture of laziness. I have seen instances of people paging others in the same cabin.
6. Elaborating on the culture of laziness mentioned in 5 above, I have known people who have paid up-front for membership to the local gym for 3 years and gone twice because it was too much for them to cross the road. Fried chicken, anyone?
7. Further to 6 above, as several overweight lawyers smoke, puffing, then huffing, on the treadmill is non-macho and is to be avoided at all costs.
8. Bingeing on alcohol and ice-cream (sometimes simultaneously) helps the corporate lawyer rationalise his/her conscious decision to lead a miserable existence.
9. Success is synonymous with a jiggly belly. It shows prosperity and makes the Indian lawyer a viable prospect for marriage.
10. In keeping with the majoritarian ideology in law firms, being plump is considered attractive. Also, a legendary gay band wrote songs about ladies with large backsides. Need I say more?

*******************************************************************

“Round is a shape”, I counter defensively.

I follow it up with the ever popular “Who needs a six-pack when I have a barrel?”

Such are the weapons of wit one must possess when faced with increasing queries about the growing proportions of one’s gut.

I am beginning to have quite the arsenal now.

Dear tennie weenie Law Student,

Welcome to a National Law University. Whichever NLU it is; some things will apply; things which are perennial and all embracing. Things like laws(?) And you’ll have to adjust to these things. I call it puppy training. What I say here is not the gospel truth. I don’t say that you necessarily follow it. But it will help you some bit. It will give you a perspective. It will give you time to ruminate; ruminate slowly, digest and grow stronger.

Another thing: The five years will change you, for good. Why I am writing this is to help you gain a head-start, to warn you of the pit falls so that the good becomes better (hopefully).

Let me start with 'adjustment'. You are nearing adulthood. You have arrived at a college. You are in a new city. You will meet people from all parts of the country. You will have no parents around. A different room. A roommate. Law. Law books. Research papers. Roommate. Food. Air. Water. Friends. Roommate. Enemies. Teachers. Seniors. Roommate. Hostel. Drinks. Money. Roommate.

So you’ll have to adjust. Especially with your roommate.  J

OK. Now, let me begin. I’ll sound preachy. Excuse me for that.

Firstly, this is not your home. Your cosy home is gone. Your flavoured, tailor-made milk which your mom brought to the bedside is gone. The home made food is gone. Even the water will taste different. You will wash your own plates. The TV viewing will be democratic. You might miss a Chelsea match. You might miss the India-Australia cricket match; depending on the way the vote sways. This is not your home.

It will soon become, though. Give it a year. With time you will love it more than your home. Give that another four years. Till then, be strong. Don’t cry. Don’t cry on the phone especially.

Lower your expectations. Expect less. The size of your room will surprise you. Expect it to be small. The habits of your roommate will surprise you. Expect less from him. Among the five teachers you’ll get; two will be trolls, two will be average. Expect less from them.

But that one teacher is why you are here in an NLU. He’ll be brilliant. You’ll also come in contact with some friend, brilliant chaps. You’ll also take some forks in the road which require hard work to tread upon them successfully till the destination. And then, your dreams will know no bounds. Expect a lot.

Learn yogic penance. It aids slogging. If you want to do well here and get that Amarchand offer; prepare to slog. Sitting for five lectures in a day will require great yogic penance. Doing the readings for the next day, again yogic penance. Yogic penance for researching for the upcoming moot; an essay etc. Learn yoga. Learn how superman works. Combine that. Practice that.

Don’t worry. You’ll have a lots of time to chill. When you are a master, yoga assists in that too.

Opportunities will fly like birds. Be vigilant like a hunter. Keep the bow strings attached, taut and ready to hit. Aim for the target. Hit. Aim. Hit. Keep doing that. The birds will make a good meal.

Well this is what generally happens. When you’ll enter the law school you’ll be flooded with opportunities. You’ll be awed. Mesmerised. You’ll close your eyes trying to imbibe it all and by the time you’ll open your eyes, it is gone. Be on your toes. Aim and hit. Don’t wait.

Don’t worry. You will have a lots of time to chill. Soon hunting becomes an art and the hunter becomes a Zen expert. That will happen too. But till then, keep hitting.

The principle of pain and pleasure. Bunking a class will give you pleasure. It is fun. Bunking classes will be a bigger pleasure. But it will soon turn to pain. You’ll be debarred from a paper. Learnt to differentiate between the two; pain and pleasure. It will hold you in good stead.

Finally, let me tell you: first year is the toughest year. Because you have to adjust to myriad things. On days when the clouds are heavy and dark you might also consider leaving the law school. But wait. Wait for the lightning to strike your brain and return you to your sane self. By being a reasonable chap you will do well. By the time you start your second year; you’ll realise why this was the best thing that happened to you.

Yours preachingly,

Legal Poet

ps- please tell me what topic should I write on in the next part of this series

For the protection of my cows and buffaloes I have gaddi dogs. Huge, shaggy beasts who can bring down a leopard. I love dogs. Once in UK I met a dog breeder and became interested. Here is my take.

Disclaimer: This might look offensive (mastiffs), repulsive (pit bulls) and abusive (mongrels) to many but read it to enjoy and have fun. I hope in the end, no love will be lost.

Amarchand is not a law firm; Mastiff is not a dog.

Mastiffs are huge beasts; the English mastiff is the largest breed of dog we know of. They weigh around 250 pounds and are strong enough to keep a bear, wolf or a big cat down. Moreover, they are ferocious guards of the territory they are kept in.

Many people who know what a Mastiff truly is are of the opinion that calling the Mastiff ‘a dog’ is disparaging to the Mastiff. The Mastiff is too big to be called with as little a term as ‘a dog’.

Pretty similar to AMSS? The largest firm we have; Amarchand has 250*2 lawyers on its rolls and is strong enough to keep any firm firmly pinned down. And Amarchand too is a ferocious guard of the sanctity of the noble profession of law and is vehemently against foreign firms entering into its territory.

 Amarchand also is too big to be called with as little a term as a ‘law firm’. Amarchand, at least for law students is  ‘Amarchand’, just ‘Amarchand’.

BTW, even Trilegal’s managing partner Anand Prasad loves Mastiffs. Here is he with his pet. Is Trilegal also a future Mastiff? What about Luthra and Luthra, AZB, JSA and ALMT? Are they growing big enough to be called Mastiffs?

Ban the LPOs like you’ve banned the Pit Bulls?

Pit Bull Terriers are medium sized stocky breeds of dogs with one gory trait: the rip apart any threat they see. Pit Bulls have been used in dog fights and when the losing dog shows its pink belly as a sign of defeat, Pit Bulls have been known to disembowel the dog’s stomach; its intestines, liver and kidneys popping out for the owner to clean (Yucks! Just kidding).

They have been banned by many states including the USA.

Pit Bulls disembowel dogs and cold-bloodedly kill small kids. LPOs are virtually doing that to law firms. They are ripping apart the traditional law firm models and the remnant organs of the law firms will soon be left for the regulatory hawks to clean up.

And it seems that LPOs are about to be banned. So maybe, LPOs too shouldn’t be banned. Are they being banned? Says who? What say? I know I am sounding confused.

Desi Dogs and District Court lawyers

Desi dogs: the omnipresent happy-go-lucky mongrels. These dogs can remain without food for many days; they generally don’t have a shelter and eat whatever they are offered. They are the ones who engage in real fights with other dogs: bloody, ear eliminating, testicle deducting fights.

They also do the real scouring work, keep moving sprightly without any thing to do and will wag their tail and throw out their salivating tongues to anyone they think has something to offer.

And while they look small, scrawny and unhealthy, they get the kicks of a real dog’s life perfectly lived. And they enjoy the usual free riders. For example even the slightly bigger ones become the alpha male and get bigger morsels, better looking bitches and the respect of other dogs with ease.

Let your imagination run amuck for this vis-a-vis the district lawyers. J

PS- Wag your tails. Don’t snarl.

Indra Prasth

Bar Council Of India which had earlier outsourced its website development and administration of the Bar Exam to Rain Maker has now said that Rain Maker will take care of everything including cleanliness and discipline of all the Bars.

Rain Maker’s new website has now sections on ‘Legal Cleanliness: Hunting Dirt Like Legal Eagles’ and on discipline ‘Legal Beagles: Bar’s Guard Dogs’.

Explaining the logic as to why it engaged Rain Maker only Mr. Barrier of BCI said, “We don’t expect a good monsoon this time round. Since our farmers are very poor and down trodden we thought that someone with as good a name as Rain Maker would be able to help their cause”.

“You see, we lawyers are in this noble profession have the feeling of ‘doing good for all’. By making sure that we engage Rain Maker for everything we hope that our Rain Gods too will be inspired by this act of legal fraternity and help our farmers”, he said.

“We are undisciplined, unclean and maybe incompetent too. But we lawyers do believe in helping the farmers gain employment and earn money good enough for a good life. This will reduce economic disparity”, he added.

Junior Lawyers in the country don’t get paid anything by their senior lawyers as there are no rules on Juniorship while a lawyer in a law firm earns on an average 6 lacs per annum. Maybe, the BCI needs to introspect on economic disparity in its own house. But the BCI seems intent on looking outside at the clouds and of course, Rain Maker.

Kitkit Lactose of Rain Maker said on legal cleanliness, “We are planning to introduce some high tech jhadoos in the district courts and discuss implementation strategies and delivery systems with the munsifs there”. “Though, we’ll first have to go ourselves and see how district courts look from inside. Wonder if they are air-conditioned”, he added.

Rain Maker has also created a wonderful website www.bardiscipline.org which has virtues of discipline and some useless details in beautiful font and bullet points. Even the colours are striking. But that is about it. Otherwise, the website is all the same.

“Rain Maker excels in content delivery ermm that is what our website reads and ermm I personally have created the content on ‘discipline’ of www.bardiscipline.org”, said Vivek, an intern at Rainmaker as they don’t have many regular employees there.

The intern is on a 6 month internship as he has been suspended for an entire semester by his college on disciplinary grounds. “We are sure we will be able to pull this off. It is raining very hard [in cash] even for a Rain Maker”, said another intern, who is the most experienced chap among the present employees at Rainmaker.

“Only Indra Deva can save us from Rain Maker”, said Nandi, who is a devout of Lord Shiva, the God of destruction.
FNWB news network would like to hear from the readers whether they think such outsourcing models are good or not.

New Delhi

India Today and Outlook have published their annual rankings of colleges accross India. Among law schools, NLSIU is placed first in both the rankings. India Today placed NALSAR at second while Outlook placed NUJS in that position. We have painstackingly managed time to explain the hotch-potch of rankings after that.

India Today’s representative when asked about the difference between rankings of itself and Outlook answered, “See during our first year we were unaware what NUJS was till one of the boss’s kids told him that this national law school has opened in Kolkata”.

“In the second year we were driven away by some Bong faculty. Its only after that year, that NUJS featured in our rankings. Hence we can only  slowly move up its rank so that we maintain a sort of consistency with our previous years’ rankings”.

Delhi University is placed third by India Today while Outlook has NALSAR in the position. An Outlook’s representative explained, “See, we have copy catted India Today. So we try to be different from them. Hence we placed NALSAR at third, just to sound different you know”.

“For the top three we have three slips NLSIU, NALSAR and NUJS. Our boss picks up a slip and our researchers write down the name of whatever name comes up”, said the lead researcher of Outlook, Mrs. Bahari Dekha explaining Outlook’s rigorous methodology.

“For the 4^th and the 5^th slot we have chits of NLIU Bhopal, NLU Jodhpur, ILS Pune and Delhi University. A similar process is followed and afterwards, chit picking becomes too slow and tedious. So we just pick and choose a cooler sounding law college”, she added.

“In short it is first chit picking and then pick picking. There is no nit-picking”, she explained.

We asked India Today’s boss Bharat Aaj about the experts his team had consulted: “Our team in itself is an expert. We have pioneered the rankings. We are the experts. And more importantly students believe us. Don’t tell me we should consult anyone else”.

Our next question to Mr. Aaj was whether his team visited the law schools: “See we did not visit Bangalore because we had pre-decided their rank. NALSAR told us that they would put up an advertisement and so we gave it a skip. We did not visit NUJS as that day was a bandh in Kolkata. Jodhpur was way too hot. And who’ll visit a place like Bhopal”?, he answered.

“We visited Amity Law School, though. It is right next door. We were treated to a dinner and great drinks, as always. They also have a front page advertisement and we have mutual respect for them”, he added. Amity is ranked 10 in India today rankings and has remain unmoved in that position.

Ankit, a 17 year old student law aspirant who was seen carrying all the issues spoke to FNWB: “I buy the magazine to see some hot college chicks and generally see what the cool dudes are upto, as far as trends and all is concerned”.

 If you are worried about your college ranks, the legal horoscope might be of help.

NoNal Nagar, Madhya Pradesh

A 17 year old young lad who was seen jumping on a road crying “Yay! I am a NALSAR-ian” has been put in a mental asylum after a good citizen, Niak Zang saved him from a being lynched by a mob.

Naik Zang is a citizen of UK.

It is believed that people of the region who nearly lynched the boy consider Nal Sur, as the three headed demon who has according to the legend  is responsible for the water scarcity in the village. Nal in Hindi means a ‘Tap’ and ‘Sur’ means a ‘Demon’

The 17 year old boy, identified as Nikhil Gupta from Delhi had taken CLAT (common law admission test) and had got an all India rank 24. This qualified him for NALSAR, Hyderabad one of the top law colleges in India.

Excited by his success and he purchased weird and scary looking masks and costumes from a local hawker Madan Lal  wore them and started jumping on the road shouting ‘I am a NALSARian’. “I saw the boy’s eyes”, said Madan, “it looked as if he had found bliss”.

Our reporter contacted a slightly bruised Nikhil, “Am I a NALSARian?”, was all he could manage. On inquiry with his parents we found that Nikhil was devastated when he found that all top 57 rankers had opted for NLSIU Bangalore, widely recognised as the best law college in India. This had upset him to a maddening extent.

He was last seen by a cyber cafe guy glued to computer no. 3, typing recklessly on forums like Facebook, LegallyIndia and Orkut feverishly asking for guidance, “He was talking about his Cat. He sounded very nervous. I think he was talking to a vet on the net. Maybe his Cat was badly injured or about to deliver kittens or something”, said the cyber cafe guy.

The mob leader Moochchad Singh said, “We didn’t know NALSAR was some law college. I don’t think anybody else in this duniyaa knows. We thought that he was occupied by Nal Sur’s aatma (ghost)”, he said apologising for the punch he had administered to Nikhil’s right eye.

The VC of NALSAR, Mr. Veer Singh has said that it would be ensured that this experience which Nikhil had is put to good use in furtherance of his career. “I have asked his Sociology professor to allot him ‘mob violence’ as a sociology project topic. For IPR subject in his 3^rd year, Nikhil will research on ‘traditional myths regarding demons and copyright laws’”, he said.

Q. I have made it to a national law school. What should I expect? How should I prepare for a life at an NLU?

Ans. 1. Prepare to be crushed and subdued in everything you think you are great at. If you are great at debating, you might not be in the debating team. Prepare for that.

2. Prepare for great opportunities to come your way. Prepare for people snatching the opportunities from you because it is they who deserve and not you. Prepare to be stronger to catch some of the goodies yourself.

3. If you want to do well in academics, prepare to slog. There is no other way out.

4. If you want to enjoy to the fullest, you can enjoy to the fullest. But then, you won’t get a high paying job easily. Prepare for that.

5. Prepare for some great lectures by great faculties. Prepare to be handled some really good sleeping pills by many a ‘doctors’. It could be anyone: ‘Dr. ABC’.

6. Prepare for your initiation into a free, adult world.

7. Prepare for food which sucks, water that makes you ill and air which is foreign. Don’t worry. You will like it soon. Everything is hateable before it becomes lovely.

8. Prepare to say a 'yes' or 'no' to the opposite sex and cigarettes and other maya jaals  if you haven't yet said so.

9. Main Samaya Hoon (I am time. Remember Mahabharta?) Prepare to see time fly by, like a bird. It will also drop shit on you. It will also sing wonderful songs for you. It will be as ugly as a vulture, as beautiful as a peacock. Sometimes you will ponder: what animal is this? Don’t ponder. Work. Word hard.

10. Prepare to get bored one year down the line.

11. Prepare to get excited two years down the line.

12. Prepare to be called a 'failure' , 'a real loser'; a 'tremendous success' by your ego depending on what path you choose.

13. Prepare for missing your parents and at 20, crying.

14. Prepare for enjoying your friends' company so much so that you forget to call your parents.

15. Prepare for politics. Prepare for smite. Prepare for love. Prepare for hate. Prepare for pride.

16. Prepare for wasting a month doing nothing. Prepare for slogging for a month, 14 hours a day for a Jessup, for the Harvard law review article.

17. Prepare to read tomes. Piles of tomes. Prepare to write 15,000 words of ‘well researched papers of publishable quality’ in 4 months. When you have done it successfully prepare to say a ‘wow’ to yourself. If you do it well, tell me how.

Welcome sire. Your preparations have just begun.

PS- This is an enlarged and edited version of a forum post earlier. Thought, a blog post will make more sense.

Agression is Important

When Saurav Ganguly was the captain of the Indian cricket team he had with him two young left arm fast bowlers; Zaheer Khan (then 30 pounds lighter) and Ashish Nehra (then pot-bellied). Oops! Sorry for the digression.

Ganguly, an intelligent guy that he is, took both Zaheer and Nehra to Wasim Akram (the great man helps everyone from the sub continent) hoping that Akram would offer the young kids some fast bowling tips on run-up, use of the non-bowling arm, reverse swing etc.

The first question Akram asked was:

“Do you guys drink”?

No, the Indian lads replied sheepishly.

“Does anyone of you smoke”?

They did a negative nod.

“No”?! Akram barked. He looked at Saurav and said, “These guys can’t become fast bowlers”.

Akram was, of course, hinting at aggression.

Aggression is important in cricket and in law. Leading law firms and LPOs have been aggressive. Successful start-up law firms have been aggressive. Aggression should obviously be mixed with logical moves, street smartness and knowing what you do best and what you don’t. Akram did all of this. Ganguly was bare chestedly aggresive too.

Bureaucracy Sucks

BCI is a pathetic body; BCCI is a pathetic body.

Infrastructure in our law schools and stadiums

Look at our law schools. They don’t have habitable buildings. One person manages all the work; of a peon to that of the principal. Students don’t attend classes, because there is no one good enough to teach. There is no one good to teach, because they weren’t taught well.

Look at our stadiums. With pathetic infrastructure, they are far away from being spectator friendly. Like bad teachers at law schools, our domestic cricket teams have fat and dumb coaches with a goat inside the bellies and goat shit for skills.

Foreign firms and foreign teams

In a globalised world Foreign law firms aren’t being allowed just to protect the vested interests of a few. At the same time Indian law firms languish in mediocrity.

Even for our domestic cricket, reducing the number of teams and introducing some foreign teams have been going on since a while. But with lack of will and interest it continues to be that our domestic cricket continues to languish, invisible to many.

Advertisements: learn something

Indian law firms aren’t allowed to advertise to preserve the sanctity of the noble profession. Wow! Great logic and concern.

BCCI has learnt the lesson in reverse. It has come to know how too much of advertisement and fanfare instead of the sport can backfire; with bullets which kill. It killed IPL.

The game has to be respected

I have heard a lot about billable hours and the unethical practices which go with them. While Bihari Babuu’s fox billed her ‘time spend in hospital’ hours to her client; unethical practices are abound in dozens. And they have become ‘accepted’ practices to earn easy money.

Pretty much like todays bowlers who are running scot free with the ‘unethical’ practice of chucking. Harbhajan Singh chucks ; Shoaib Malik chucks, Johan Botha of South Africa chucks. But with chucking being legalised by a rule of ’15 degree bend’, these guys make spin bowling look terribly easy.

Pity that crime is being allowed; being organised. Respect the game guys. Don’t play it the wrong way.

June 30 2010, New Delhi

Bar Council of India's plans to hold a fair and fool-proof bar exam went into a tizzy as Bihari Babuu, an unfamous law student blogger on LI entered the New Delhi center with a black cow and a white buffalo loaded with books.

“Its a open book exam and I want to leave no stones unturned. I have brought all the books from my lawyer uncle’s library”, said Bihari Babuu.

Not finding enough space to fit in all the books, the authorities put Bihari Babuu in a stable while his black cow romanced with a hot, brown horse.

“I feel good for my animals but look at my condition. I have to sit on a haystack will stench of horse shit and urine as other students sit in a comortable examination hall”, said Bihari Babuu.

KitKit Lactose, manager of BrainWaker, the legal talent management company who is assisting BCI in conducting the exam said in defence, “We never anticipated such a situation. We could have earned a lot more cash by asking a few hotels to book rooms for candidates who wanted private ensuites so that they could keep their books”.

Meanwhile in the Kolkata center an NUJS student tore a NALSAR student’s book. The book was written by Prof. Ranbir Singh, former vice chancellor of NALSAR.

Though the NALSAR student did not respond, an NLUD student sprung up in the NALSAR guy’s defence and tore up the NUJS student’s book, ‘Constitutional Law’ by MP Singh. The present vice chancellor of NLUD is Prof. Ranbir Singh too.

“We won’t take action against any of the National Law School Students. They are just too good”, said Gopal SupraMan, the head of BCI, totally unruffled and sounding confident.

He was also confident about conducting the Bar Exam without any hitches.