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08 May 2010
General blogging

This is a long poem and has no rhyming scheme but if you read it in a rhythm and read it for fun, things will rhyme.


Note-
What the associate of the firm says is in ‘CAPS’.

Note (further) - Something on Trademarks. Trademarks are divided into various classes. For example ‘class 1’ might deal with ‘furniture’; ‘class 2’ with ‘toys’; ‘class 3’ with ‘hotels’ etc.

 

AND SO THEY WROTE...

It was the intern’s first day at work.

Clean shaved; he arrived at eight

And waited with a bated breath

To see what life ‘as an intern’ held.

 

Meanwhile he checked his formal shirt,

Formal pants and formal shoes.

‘Formal’ was an informed choice,

‘Be prepared...’ (A lawyer’s ploy).

 

Back when 1000 mails he did send

Querying about ‘work’, ‘stipend’, ‘dress’ and ‘time’,

Alas! No replies had come to 999,

One said ‘research’, ‘no’, ‘9-6’ and ‘formal is fine’.

 

[It was a new place for the intern,

In a new city he was encapsulated in.

He looked around- big buildings, dusty squalls,

And then he realised; his capsule was small].

 

He bade goodbye to such philosophical thoughts

And moved inside the office; “So Posh”!

And said “Good morning ma’am! I am Rohan”,

“Oh! The intern”, she replied (We are expecting your lot).

 

“Please come. This work station is yours”

“Be seated Rohan, till work comes”, she called.

He remained seated, and no work came

During lunch...behold! Somebody did take his name!

(Or something which sounded similar...same?)

 

He jumped, excited, he jumped, did not walk.

He jumped to that man, he jumped to his voice,

The voice he heard, had just called his name,

Ah! The intern (Under sun, this, his place).

 

“HI! I AM RANJIT, ASSOCIATE, IP DIVISION”

“WELCOME” (welcome, a little late for cohesion)

“YOU WILL WORK UNDER ME” (under my weight you’ll die)

“MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE” (here! Have some chai)

 

Two biscuits and three pleasantries later

He was given a bundle of documents and a letter

Containing 1,2...150 trademarks to be filed

“THE WORK IS RESEARCH” (hope you won’t mind).

 

The intern was happy...his purpose of life

He attacked the work like: Dogs and bones, Jaggery and flies

He learnt the work through the pre loaded files

Training for puppies (coz puppies can’t fly).

 

Every class had a different mark...

Trademark...he noted it religiously in a copy.

“Every religion is just the same

A bundle of thoughts, a different name...”

Ah! The musings! Were troubling him again.

 

He concentrated on his work! The trademark work,

Working fast, concentrated and with flair (feigned)

His clean shaven (ignore dirty pimples) face

Had now bristles of black hair...”SO FINE

YOU CAN LEAVE, IT IS ALREADY NINE”.

 

“All right sir. Thank you. I have filled fif...”

“RIGHT...RIGHT MOHAN! I’LL SEE THAT TOM” (miffed)

“It is Rohan Sir...” (smiling)

“OH! SORRY”! (smiling, snarling).

 

The next day he came at nine,

A new shirt and new shoes that shone.

Clean shaven again (from the Gillette’s store),

He started on Trademarks (razor blades, class five).

 

‘Toys’, ‘underwear’, ‘furniture’ and ‘perfumes’

And such daily items of daily use

Formed a part of his ‘research’

A research which did contusions produce.

(Life paralysing, brain tumour causing contusions).

 

‘Food’, ‘milk’, ‘clothes’ and ‘toys’,

More research... (A lawyer’s ploy)

To make the intern get rid off

All that he cares, all that he enjoys.

 

The internship was completed, the research was done.

“NICE JOB MOHAN. HOPE YOU HAD FUN”

(The associate remarked).

“It is Rohan, Sir”. “OH! SORRY” (the second time)

(Two times, they had talked).

 

But he had learnt, and so he hoped

And researched ‘on various areas of law’

And so they wrote; on his certificate which said

“MOHAN SUCCESSFULLY INTERNED...”(And returned dead).

 

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to anyone living, dead or in between is delusionary.

PS- To people with money: If I made you smile with this poem, you might consider giving some cash; so that we writers survive and make you smile more. Contact blogging[at]legallyindia.com

06 May 2010
General blogging

privileges always come with duties and ethics and so is the case with lawyers. The bar council of India is empowered setting Standards of Professional Conduct and Etiquette for Lawyer in India under Section 49(1 )(c) of the Advocates Act, 1961. Among other restrictions, the bar council has mentioned that An Advocate shall not personally engage in any business but he may be a sleeping partner in a firm doing business provided that, in the opinion of the Bar Council the nature of the business is not inconsistent with the dignity of the profession. But, i fail to understand the intent of BCI while saying so. Majorly there can be two facets of the problem- 1. that why unlike other business you cannot practice advocacy together with doing business? and 2. that what does BCI mean by "the nature of the business is not inconsistent with the dignity of the profession" ? Also, which all kinds of business would fall in such purview of against the dignity of advocacy, always lies only in BCI's perception.

 

While agreeably ethics in every profession is desirable and appreciated but at the same time, the interests of such lawyers must also be protected who struggle to make their both ends meet(especially new-comers and first-generation practitioners). so, personally i feel a need of change in this strict imposition of restriction in the name of ethics, to aid to advocates rights to livelihood and freedom of trade and business.

04 May 2010
General blogging

As I walk into the lift, I’m greeted by a cheery “Hiya mate, you awwright Bob?”. “Very well, thank you”, say I and engage with Robert in the well rehearsed lift-banter about work and holiday plans.

However, as a product of one of India's oldest schools (which preaches the Queen’s English), I’ve often wondered what it is that makes the British speak this strange, perverse tongue. However, after years of being left speechless and confused by it, I have decoded bits of this mysterious (and rather risqué) dialect.

So, if you are planning to move here from India any time soon, here is Modern Bob’s short guide to the lingo at Colby, Hewitt and Richards LLP to get you started:

  1. If you are offered a banger by a female colleague at a breakfast meeting, do not get excited. A banger is an English sausage.
  2. Don’t get worried if your boss reprimands you for a cock-up. He is merely furious at the mess you have created and is not disapproving of the healthy functioning of your anatomy.
  3. After a particularly long night at work, someone may ask you whether you wish to be knocked-up. This refers to waking you up by knocking on your door. Just tell them you have an alarm clock.
  4. Being somebody's mate can be a purely platonic activity.
  5. Do not refer girls who hail from Essex as Essex girls. You will get reported for sexual harassment for alluding to their collective depraved character.
  6. If your boss tells you he is going home because he/she is feeling dicky, don’t judge. He/she is just unwell.
  7. rubber is an item of stationery. Do not giggle like a schoolgirl when your boss asks for one in the middle of the night.
  8. Geezers are old people, not a source of hot water.
  9. Grub is food. There are no locusts, beetles or cockroaches on the canteen menu.
  10. The unspoken golden rule is that every verbal or written communication must end with “Cheers. As this rule applies across the board, don’t spend your time in office trying to discover the secret drinking society.

 Cheers,

Modern Bob

01 May 2010
General blogging

Once there was a shepherd boy and he had sheep, obviously. One day he went up a hillock with his sheep and with nothing to do, pulled out a leaf of the old book and cried out to the villagers below “WOLF! WOLF! HELP! HELP”!

The villagers came. No wolf. The boy laughed (as usual). And the villagers were visibly pissed.

Next time round the same thing happened. The villagers were tricked again.

The 3rd time, the boy shouted “WOLF! WOLF! HELP”! And a real wolf came. But hey! Wait! Even the villagers came.

Boy to the head villager: Mate! You weren’t supposed to come! What the hell are you doing here?

The head villager: We thought we were supposed to come buddy.

Wolf: Hey! I want my sheep.

Head villager: Sorry! We have to beat you up real hard. So as to make the story real.

Poor Wolf. He was beaten black and blue.

 

4th time.

“WOLF! WOLF! HELP!”. The villagers didn’t come. But even the wolf didn’t.

The boy telephoned the wolf: Man! Where the hell are you? You were supposed to come.

Wolf: My leg is broken because of your villagers ‘trying to keep the story real’ beatings. And if a lame wolf comes and hunts, the script will look fake. So, let us do this next time.

 

5th time.

The wolf comes. The boy was relieved.

But one of the heftiest, 200 pound Rams decided to take the wolf on. It was the breeding season and nothing would impress the lady sheep more than a Ram beating the hell out of a wolf.

Wham! The Ram and ran into the wolf.

“Aaaaaaooooooouuuuuuuu”! The wolf cried. He ran away.

The boy was in the meanwhile tearing his hair apart.

 

6th time

“WOLF! WOLF! HELP!”. The wolf doesn’t come. The boy calls the wolf: Dude! This is taking too long yaar!

Wolf: Hey is that bald guy you?

Boy: Yup! Remember, last time I tore my hair apart. The story has to sound real.

 

7th time

The wolf doesn’t come. The boy is angry.

Wolf: I am full today!  Just had a rabbit. Rabbit meat is delicious. Can’t have any more of your sheep meat today.

 

PS: The wolf dies a natural death. The Ram came to mourn his death, actually.

The boy is married and now works as a carpenter.

The head villager has now retired and drinks his daily hookah.

 

Justice delayed is justice denied. We need better actors in our script. And better script too.

30 April 2010
General blogging

When a petitioner appears in person before a court, the lack of finesse is expected.. The petitioner may not be as articulate and sophisticated as a practiced counsel but then, if you decide to fight it out yourself, you would surely have thought it over carefully, isn't it?
A petitioner, listed as XYZ, has been coming to court for a few years now and failed to be entertained by most judges. Simple reasoning for that... she was too loud, did not understand the law well enough and was too persistent to be heard despite the rage of judges at her errors.
Not to belittle the cause she was fighting, which may be as sincere as her claimed plight, but her approach has been the butt of many a jokes for some time now..
She has one favourite judge who has been giving her an ear. She stands in the court room and starts arguing as if she'll just bend over, across the bar just so that she is heard!
In the course of arguments, she gives rare opportunity to the opponent to talk and when he does get a chance to open his poor mouth, she does not contravene the statement but looks at the judge with soulful eyes and says, "My Lord, please listen to what I have to say... This gentleman is completely incorrect in his facts. Let me tell you what the true story is!"
She goes on and gets excited about her own version, to the extent of at times, not even letting the judge ask a question!
She is at least forty, dresses like she is twenty, behaves like an adolescent!
Imagine the plight of "My Dear Lord", and when the case will end!
Judges are sometimes faced with such characters, whom they cannot ignore for the sake of justice and cannot hear because they too are human and have limitations!

28 April 2010
General blogging

The National University of Study and Research in Law was formally inaugrated by the Chief Justice of Jharkhand High Court and Supreme Court Judge designate Gyan Sudha Misra On Monday, April 26, 2010.

The university becomes the 14th of the elite national law universities of the country. Initially it will be operational from its interim campus at BIT, Mesra. An MOU with BIT has enabled the law school to occupy the erstwhile building of small scale research and development organisation of BIT having 72 rooms. Arrangement has been made for the accommodation of 60 students of the new university at the BIT campus itself.

NLU Jharkhand is expected to start offering courses from July to 150 undergraduate students. Half of the seats will be reserved for students from the state. It will admit students through an all India entrance examination. A national law university in the state of Jharkhand was a dream of the first chief justice of the Jharkhand High Court, Justice V.K Gupta, since the creation of the state in 2000. A plethora of legal hurdles stalled its inception. The Government has already arranged for a corpus of Rs 50 crore and have appointed a core committee headed by Justice N.N Tiwary. The first task of the committee would be to appoint a vice-chancellor. Lets wish the infant law school all the very best for a radiant future.

28 April 2010
General blogging

Some time ago I was sitting on the stairs of this court, as it was vacation time and nothing much was happening... chatting with my friends. Just outside the court premises was a tea stall, apparently illegal! We ordered "chai" and before we could be served, there was a municipal van standing near the stall, taking possession of all the tea-stall goods.
I inquired as to what had gone wrong? I remember seeing the stall for as long as I've been visiting that court. One of the stall-owner's helper told me that the corporation guys were seizing their stuff because they did not have the required permissions.
"So then what," I asked him. "It's nothing. These guys come every so often and take our stuff. Our owner will go to their office, pay some money and get it back and work will be as usual tomorrow," he said.
The response was so casual that I couldn't think of what else to ask or think even. But this is not so uncommon in the city, is it now?
Hawkers and street vendors live like this! They know that sometimes permissions are costlier than paying fines and prefer it that way! How much would a stall owner actually have to pay to legalise a stall? And how much of that money would be paid in earnest and how much "under the table"? Reminds me of an ad, which said, they take it because we pay!

28 April 2010
General blogging

I am seriously considering a career change. Not to worry, I’m not writing a book and this is not a decision made on a mere whim. The idea dawned on me today while speaking on the phone to my cousin who is a real live practitioner of dark legal arts in Indian trial courts and High Courts. He sold me the idea really. 

As an interesting aside, my cousin’s side of the family had to change their last name for numerological reasons.

Excerpts from our conversation wherein my cousin is extolling the virtues of a career in litigation:

“In law firms, you can’t quite experience the unique and delightful smell of the trial courts. Once you’ve smelled that, it calls out to you wherever you may go.”

“It’s like mooting in real life, with sillier party names.”

“People have great respect for those wearing black gowns, especially in summer.”

“Patience is a virtue. Litigation will teach you exactly what that means.”

“Your physical fitness shall improve while running from one court room to the other.”

“Even your boxing, ducking and weaving skills will improve during our fun-filled boycotts.”
(Further to the above)

“When you litigate, you can perfect what you started as a trainee solicitor- looking intelligent without a clue of what’s going on.”

“By your 55th birthday, you will have enough money to launder your jock-strap in London every week.”

“You can always pass your briefs to juniors. Sometimes even seniors will take them without hesitation.”
(Further to the above?)

“You make many lifelong friends along the way- the clerk, the juice wallah, the photocopy guy and so forth.”
 

“Court food is delicious, wholesome and all claims made re: food poisoning are patently false.”

“Even a slight British accent will ensure that you are designated a Senior Advocate at some point”.


“No, my daddy will not give you a car. I am his son.”

“Facial hair is tolerated in courts and even encouraged. In this matter, the system offers equal opportunity to both sexes.”

I walk into the office determined to let boss know of my decision and inform him how he cannot do a thing to change my mind. On my way up, I bump into Katie, the graduate recruitment officer. She smiles that perfect smile and flutters her eyelashes. Simultaneously. 

I suppose remaining at Colby, Hewitt and Richards LLP for a little while longer can harm no one. What’s all this fuss about litigators anyway?
 


(Further reading: ://www.legallyindia.com/746-comfortably-numb)

27 April 2010
General blogging

Salt and Pepper Turban
Mapping the court's corridors, there are many samples to see.. One of them is a senior counsel, of whose name I do not know, comes every time with a wig. Now if it were a regular wig, I'd notice once, stare and forget about it but then this one's a little wierd. It's a long bunch of hair twisted around the temples like a semi turban, seeking more than a glance from me! I wonder, is he not aware of the attention he draws, does he think it is cool-- the twisted hair turban, which is all salt and pepper, or does he simply not care? But if he didn't care, all it would take him would be to walk around bald, isn't it?
Any way, so I follow him, thinking him to be one of the fuddy-duddies and am astounded when I stand in a courtroom listening to him argue. The judge is intent on getting his point because he speaks too much sense!
Now, I cannot get my inquisitive mind to stop wondering the secret behind the crazy salt and pepper turban! Is it, like, he has taken some oath not to cut his hair and his hair have given up on him?
But does it matter to look good to speak good?
Does looking good merit more attention or does sensible articulate talk get it for you?
I'm still thinking about this one!

27 April 2010
General blogging

Crib means ‘to bicker’, says my dictionary.

NLS cribs about its hectic schedule: the trimester system which doesn’t allow them to lead a sane college life. NUJS cribs how claustrophobic the 4-5 acre campus can get. NALSAR cribs how the college is in a village, far from the city and gets mundane at times.

This cribbing has been going on for ages when LST’s forum used to be a battle-field. Many a time law aspirants are misled by such debates. I pity them and detest the anonymous posters of false, advertorial comments.

The two biggest cribs are: ‘my NLU stronger than thou’ and ‘Non-NLU students are given a biased treatment’. I humbly ask, why? I suggest you hit your heads against a bric(k). It even sounds anti-semantical to crib. Or maybe heed to this advice, as you should to Bahz Luhrman’s ‘Wear Sunscreen’.

Advice no. 1: There are no right decisions. You have to make your decisions right.

Advice no. 2: Don’t say ‘NO’ to ‘what is’.

In NLS ‘there is’ the trimester system. The academic rigour is what makes NLS, the law school. At NUJS ‘there is’ a small campus. But then the entire posh and happening Salt Lake is your home. And ‘NALSAR is’ far from the city. But with 400 college kids at one beautiful place how can it ever get boring?

Now let me take care of the two biggest cribs through a poem and multiple post scripts. See what God has to say on ‘who is the strongest’. (BTW the bolden part in the poem is by God; the holy man whose advice you can’t ignore).

 

Who is the strongest of all the beings?

One day I just tried to see

As to who is the strongest

Of all the beings?

 

I called the Elephant and thus spake he

“Oh! Not me! The Lion! The Lion!

He is my King!”

 

Off he went and the Lion came

With his foot long claws

And a big, bushy mane.

 

“Of course not me! Though I’m the King

The Elephant I fear.

His trunk, his tusks! Oh my dear”

 

Bewildered and confused I sat in my room,

“Ummm...Perhaps the snake

Big and Cruel”!?

 

The big black snake, his voice he lent

“Oh! The Mongoose thanks he is in Kent

Or he in the bushes, means my death”.

 

Over my life I pondered and pondered

Reached God and there I thundered

“Oh! God tell me! Who is the strongest of all the beings”?

 

In a voice so unearthly.

In an ambience so heavenly.

The lord began to answer:

 

(Now, the part below

Do slowly you read.

Here is where God

His message he reveals).

 

Where are you son?

"Heaven", I answered.

What’s the time son?

"Seven", I answered.

 

The sun had gone down,

The clouds were yellow.

The Lord had gotten up,

And I turned mellow.

 

See this map here...

Where does it lead?

Where? I asked, Your lordship

Where you walk towards, he answered.

 

(Read the above para. I am trying to sound profound J).

 

PS 1- Where you walk towards. Yeah! It doesn’t matter in which law school you are, but what you end up being once you have completed your college that does. I know students in ‘weak’ law schools emerge strong coz they walk on the right paths and vice versa.

2- Here is another useful analogy- There is a 25 floored building. The terrace signifies the highest point a lawyer can reach. All of us begin from the floor. Students of the top NLUs start on a lift. Others have to take the stairs.

If you take the stairs leisurely you will be left behind. If you are aggressive about the ascend you will be as quick as the NLU guys. And well, law schools can only take you up to a certain floor; say the 5th floor. After that, it depends on how good you are at your work.

3- My animals are humble. Law students, especially when anonymous are arrogant. Otherwise there is a nice healthy rivalry among these colleges.

 

23 April 2010
General blogging

Earlier it was the thirsty crow, now it is the fox and the grapes.

So we have the old fox of the old tales wondering in the old jungle looking for food. She can’t find any. She is hungry. She moves on and on through bushes and woods and sees a tree. A grape tree obviously.

Wonder why she never found a mango tree! It’s so boring. I mean why always a grape tree! Come on! That has been going on since the last ten generations. Why can’t the story writers add some spice.

Well (change of moods), let it remain grapes. I won’t play too much with the cultural heritage.

So there you are. She has found the grape tree and is jumping hard. But hey! Wait!

THE FOX IS A LAWYER! [Wola! Bihari Babuu brings some spice]. The fox in a lawyer's disguise! Yo Baby!

Now the fox is a lawyer, and so she is more competitive than any of the previous generation's foxes. But still she can’t get grapes. She is about to leave. But then the devil tells her, “Get the grapes! What if someone else does”?

And the fox is a lawyer. And lawyers are also little devils. And little devils ought to hear the real devil. Foxes and devils in the same leash (yes, that is what a group of foxes is called, you dumb-wit with poor vocab) listen to one another. Never mind if you didn’t get that. It requires higher verbal, critical reasoning and perceptual skills than most of you possess.

So she jumps harder. And wola! She gets the grapes. But the GRAPES ARE SOUR. Yes again! I am preserver of the cultural heritage. If you wanna get sweet grapes go to a super market. Don’t crib.

‘Yikes!’ the fox exclaims. She doesn’t like sour grapes. You like kya? Then why did you buy sweet grapes from the super market? Ha!

But the fox still eats the grapes lest someone else has them. After all, the fox is a LAWYER!

The fox eats the sour grapes and is going back to her hole when her stomach gives a troubling sound. She is ill. She goes to the doc and the doc says, “You are ill”.

The docs and the lawyers generally tell us what we know, but because people are fearful, they go to the lawyers and doctors. Otherwise, the value addition is nil. Apologies for the digression.

Now, the fox is ill. The doc says it will take 3 days to heal and 30k rupees. The fox is a lawyer, you remember.

She says to herself, “Am presently framing a contract for a liquor manufacturer company. I’ll tell them that I tasted the grapes to get a practical experience of the wine making. And add the days I spend in the hospital and the money I spend for the illness to their bill”. Hehehehe.

The fox is happy about this. End of the story. Did you like it?

 

PS- The billable hour is such an anti-client, anti-fairness concept that it will soon be gone. Then you devils will run for cover. Prepare for change. Technology and supermarket lawyering will soon kill the legal profession! Hahahaha.

PS 2- If you think my blog is not about law, read this. How white roads should be provided under article 21 of the Constitution. And FYI, I have cited a case here. Don’t make random allegations.

21 April 2010
General blogging

I ran into an extremely worried Indian trainee in the corridor the other day. The new QLTT regulations had her in a tizzy. What might make her panic so, I wondered while she rattled and I hmmmed. Or were her dilated pupils and sweaty palms symptoms of excitement?

I didn’t quite understand - surely if one were to list life’s most non-enjoyable activities examinations would outrank enemas. After spending several billable hours in contemplation, I reached the conclusion that I had witnessed the odd combination of terror and exhilaration. Although I am no doctor, it’s easy to diagnose her as suffering from the Great Indian Examination Sickness.

Reasons for this disease vary from the firm belief that parental love will evaporate with low marks to the threat of cable TV/telephonic privileges being withdrawn if the highest rank in class is not maintained. The disease takes an even more virulent form in lawyers (and prospective lawyers) as they are inherently competitive beings. What better way of proving that you are the human race’s big evolutionary hope than a piece of paper with a meaningful number/letter on it? 

The downside, however, is that success in examinations often turns perfectly nice chaps into nerds because success is considered fashionable. I, however, can proudly say that anti-cool has always been my thing. Despite spending more than a decade and a half in this very system, I refused to be tainted by it. I achieved this impossible feat by remaining staunchly average at exams.

Here’s a recap of my experiments with exams.

The Law Entrance Exam

Today, the law entrance exams are big business- the pimply teenager is thrust into the murky world of coaching classes, guide books and general knowledge manuals straight after class X.

In my time, law was still seen as an idler’s career and most law schools were still in the process of being assembled. My preparation for the entrance exam consisted of the occasional half-hearted attempt to study after the board exams but what geek hits the books when his friends are headed to Goa? For most of the actual exam I admired the shapely head of the girl sitting in front of me and tried to determine whether she was cute. Finally, managing to ignore the raging hormones for the few minutes left in the examination, I hastily blackened some squares (or were they circles?). Walking out, I was confident I would be going to study journalism in Mumbai. (Incidentally, the girl was quite pretty. More about her in a later post though.)

Then, one hot midsummer’s day, the postman brought me a letter which conveyed the rather startling news that I had made it into the best law school in country. Surely someone had made a mistake?

Law School Exams

Thus, opposed to the well-informed law students of today, I arrived in law school not knowing what to expect really. What I uncovered was intriguing.

Back in the day, law school was neatly divided into three kinds of students- the geniuses, the muggers, and others who were devoted to the worship of sex, drugs and rock ’n’ roll. Being an amiable and versatile bloke, I hobnobbed with all three sections with some success. However, I soon discovered, however, that I did not have much aptitude for mugging nor did I qualify for MENSA membership. This left me with the option of tripping on Zeppelin and acid while studying criminal law (as sex was in short supply back then), which did not appeal greatly to me either. As a result, quite early on in the game, I set my sights on a distinctly middling law school career.

To this end, I evolved the following simple preparation mantra (which should be followed by all who wish to enjoy a non-remarkable existence in law school):

  1. Declare all the endless, mindless lectures a waste of precious time. Test the strength of friendship by asking acquaintances to answer your attendance. This should be relatively trouble-free since most professors won’t be aware of your existence.
  2. If you venture into lectures by mistake, be environmentally friendly- do not write notes (photocopy instead, its far better for the law school micro-economy).
  3. Beg, borrow or steal projects. When this does not work, plagiarise shamelessly from the internet.
  4. Do not drink coffee, smoke cigarettes instead. You’ll find chicks dig puffers.
  5. Ensure you eat healthy, so stock up on the Top Ramen and Maggi.
  6. Do not waste time studying. You know all the questions are going to be from the pages the photocopy guy missed.
  7. Read the no-hopers bible Five Point Someone the night before the exams and assure yourself that all will be well.

While this mantra ensured I did not reach dizzying heights of success, I was cautious enough to safeguard against the pitfalls of failure. Here's a simple five step plan to this end:

  1. Rest a lot before, during and after exams to stimulate your creative brain.
  2. Use fancy English, long sentences, modifying verbs, complex vocabulary, high abstraction and generally be insensitive to anyone reading your answers.
  3. Use different coloured pens to underline and decorate your paper like a five year old. I even tried colour pencils once.
  4. Manufacture case names with aplomb and tailor fabricated facts to your answers.
  5. Whenever in doubt, quote G. P. Woedhoseu as an eminent jurist repeatedly.

In time, I discovered that even the most erudite professor had little clue about what I put down and since they could not quite fathom whether I was a whiz kid or a complete duffer, they played it safe by awarding me average marks.

My method was an unqualified hit.

Eventually, armed with a five-year law degree and a job at the London firm of Colby, Hewitt and Richards LLP, I truly believed I had finally got the examination monkey off my back. But this was too good to last.

The QLTT

A year and a half after I had celebrated my last exam with shots of tequila chased by shots of tequila, I was informed by Colby, Hewitt and Richard’s training coordinator that I was not quite done- the QLTT had reared its ugly head.

Certain elements would have you believe this is the devil’s own device to keep Indian lawyers out of the UK market. However, the chief lesson the QLTT taught me was that examination instructions are not all superfluous. If you spend several hours preparing detailed cheat-chits the night before, discovering at the venue that the QLTT is an open book exam isn’t ideal. Naturally, you have not carried any of your books either.

Therefore, in passing the QLTT on the basis of such more-or-less illegible chits, I discovered that this examination is designed to ensure even the most dim-witted foreign lawyers pass with flying colours. Also, I surmise from a certain Writ Petition that demonises the exam that some individuals have clearly read way too many John Grisham novels, where lawyers get famous at the tender age of (about) 30.

*******************************************************************

 I ran into the Indian trainee again at lunch today.

 We exchanged pleasantries. Predictably, she steered the conversation to her upcoming test. “But Bob, what if I fail the QLTT?”, she asked sincerely for the umpteenth time.

 Here we go again.

 (Sigh.)

21 April 2010
General blogging

Legal Poet’s story- Kaun Banega Crorepati: 1000 words of an emotive biography

Someone had inadvertently disclosed my identity in a comment on the previous ’15 CV Tips’ posts. I was a bit anxious for I had blasted a law firm here before and hope to continue giving a free rein to my pen in future. Eager to divert from the topic I replied with the ‘Bulla ki Jana main Kaun’ song.  

Not remaining anonymous might harm me, I had thought. That thought has changed. Here I am. Thread-bare; bare-hearted.

 

A.     Hey! You write well!

I’ll leave the very early childhood part and come to that fork in the road when someone said “Hey! You write well”. It was in grade five. The teacher had asked us to write on ‘My favourite television show’. I wrote on ‘Kaun Banega Crorepati’. When the teacher had corrected the essays, she asked “So who do you think has written the best essay?

The name of the rank 1 holder was uttered loud and clear by the class. “So you all think only he can write?” the teacher asked. Now, the name of the rank 2 holder (yours truly) was murmured; a feeble murmur.

Hey Tanuj! You write well”, she said, “I have given your essay to the class monitor of the 10th grade for the students of that class to read”! I felt honoured by the comment.

She also gave me two éclairs as a prize. Those two éclairs have been the sweetest eclairs I have had till now.


B.
     
Poems

Poetry came pretty early to me. How? I don’t know. I was in class five, aged around nine or ten when out of the blue I wrote a poem called ‘My Dog’. I was reading a lot on breeds of dogs etc and even had two Boxers as pets, but a poem seemed a bit too far-fetched.

The poem got published in The Tribune, for which I received rupees 50/- as a token of appreciation. The poems: ‘My Cat’, ‘A Sad Monkey’, ‘My Parents’ and ‘My Grandmother’ too fetched me 50/- each.

With 250 bucks earned through poems, the 10 year old that I was, felt pretty rich.

 

C.      Blood is thicker than water

My father made it a point to let the Principal of the school know of all of these poems; and the big hearted nuns (that my Principals were) were ever generous gifting me cheap key rings with Jesus’s photos inscribed on them. My dad also used to secretly phone the school principal and tell her about my poems. The principal used to call me in the office and discuss the poem with me:

So Taenooj what do you mean by Alsation”? I know my Dad used to put these questions in the Principal’s ear. My dad was enthusiastic about my poems; the Principal took a feigned interest and I hated the whole exercise.

 

D.     A lot of poems and specialisation

In grade five and six, I wrote a lot of poems. I had dreams that someday my little poems would be used for LKG and UKG classes as a part of their course just like ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star’ or ‘Baa Baa Black Sheep’ were.

I thought this was a very opportune moment, and I, all of eleven I started writing small four liners, specially catering to the toddlers and according to me, a perfect fit for the LKG texts.

Sadly, those 30 odd masterpieces were mercilessly torn up by my younger brother, in one of those fights. Ah!

 

E.      The break and the mentor (Kian, that’s not you. You were probably in Oxford then)

In grades seven and eight and till the end of grade nine I didn’t write any poem. Why? I don’t know. But I was lucky enough to be taught, tutored and mentored by a brilliant English teacher. He allowed me to be as creative as I could be, fanned the flames of my adolescent ego and even made me research on ‘the Nobel Prize for Literature’.

As a student, I never learned any grammar, never felt the need. However, I read like a locust eats. Even when I was too young to go to school, I read through my mother, courtesy the NBT (Nehru Bal Pustakalya) books. The story of ‘Kachra’ (how a boy from the slums is taught by a nice family on how to brush his teeth and bathe his body) still is responsible for the very hygienic me.

 

F.       Q. Career?

I was pathetic at Maths. My grade 10 mathematics score of 83% sounds good. It is bad. I worked like a donkey. With that sort of work, even a Rhesus monkey would have got an 83%. Some of the questions that I cried over were solved by my younger brother in a jiffy*.

Because I was bad in Maths, that made me bad at Physics and Chemistry too. I liked Biology and though my calculations were lightning quick, (they still are) and quicker than anybody (of my age, older and younger) maths simply was not my cuppa. English was!

So in class nine, the discussions which happen in every middle class family, happened.

Career? “No Engineering. No medicine”. I took the decision. My parents supported me wholeheartedly. In India, this happens in a very few households. I consider myself fortunate. (The expensive Brilliant Tutorials modules subscribed to were left for the insects).

 

G.     Answer- Law.

Then my parents asked ‘Umm...So what’? They began searching for the answers too. Dad got this book called ‘Careers in Law’ by Manish Arora. Like the locust which eats everything, I read everything. By the time I could say ‘Law’, I had devoured Manish Arora.

NLSIU, entrance test 2004 was before my eyes pretty soon. I saw the paper. ‘Hey! I am game for this’, I said to myself. ‘Yes’! I said to my parents.

The NLS paper then had a lot of short notes/ essays etc. which I and my dad thought would be the perfect foil for my language skills. We both knew how good drafting skills were needed to be a good lawyer. And dad had done law, so I presumed the soundness of what he said.

But an image in the backdrop still flashes before my eyes. The image of my mother asking meekly: ‘Shouldn’t we put him in the writing line (career)?’ And meek words they remained.

That I didn’t do a BA English or a journalism course is proving to be a blessing, a very apparent blessing, without any disguise. That’s another long story...(CLAT, Law and NUJS).

 

*My brother: IIT-JEE rank 24 (2009), AIEEE rank 59 (2009). I am not dumb at maths. I was probably up against a genious.

15 April 2010
General blogging

Some lessons and insights for lawyers from cricket:

1.) Foreign players are popular

AMSS, the leading law firm in India recently hired Niloufer Lam, a Banking law specialist from UK; recruited an Irish lawyer Paku Khan; and had UK Chief Operating Officer (COO) in Valerie Bowles.

At the same time Amarchand's turnovers are hitting the roof. This obviously cannot be owed only to the foreign players but they surely seem to be 'liked' by the Indians.

If Amarchand has a UK COO for the internal managment, Paddy Upton from South Africa has worked with the India Cricket team as the mental conditioning coach. And then you have Gary Kirsten and Eric Simons as the head coach and the bowling coach respectively.

Venkatesh Prasad and Robin Singh, the Indian cricket team's young coaches were shown the door and the former Amarchand' COO Bithika Anand resigned.

So why this fascination for the foreigner*? A tentative answer is at the end of the post.


2. Bond Bhaiya! The whole thing is that ki bhaiya sabse bada rupaiya!

Bond. Shane Bond. The genuine quickie preferred to play for ICL to playing for his country. It is another thing that the flightless down-to-earth Kiwis (well they can't soar like the Eagles, roar like the Tigers or hop like the Kangaroos) welcomed him back to the team.

Ravindra Jadeja, the left arm spin bowling all-rounder thought that he had many other skills to his all-round abilities. This 'man in blue' was having a sprightly colourful life. Alas! He was left white faced after being caught red handed for doing blackish money things. (You won't get the joke if you are colour blind, or are dullness bound). J

While cricketers seem to prefer money over country, NLU grads prefer money over life. Tell me what specimen of a 24 year old gets kicks from drafting contracts and M&As working 14 hours a day?


3. Team Building

If you get great individuals on board with ordinary team spirit, they'll fail. Get ordinary individuals with great team spirit, they'll succeed.

I hope some of you remember the World Cricket Team (WCT) which played against the great Australian team. WCT had Sehwag, Kallis, Pollock, Murali, Flintoff etc. It played Aus on several occassions and lost very very badly.

Man to man the WCT was probably stronger. Aus won because it was a team and not a bunch of individuals. The Paras Kuhad-Hemant Sahai episode tells us the importance of that something which allows two groups to march together as one. Team Spirit is important "...to preserve the culture- that we have always lived by...", to succeed, to thrive.

See how a shared value system holds JSA (Jyoti Sagar Associates) together.


The tentative answer

*Maybe control from someone with different values, belief systems, language and management style is more effective. Or it could be that becoming a cricket coach or a law firm coach is still not a mainstream career option for the Indian students.

Because while every 15 year old kid in every gully and every 18 year old in every law school want to be a cricketer and a law firmite respectively; becoming a coach/consultant is still out of the radar.

Are Indians too mesmerised by talents and prodigies and learn only upto a certain, very young age and then stop the process? Afterall, being a coach means being a keen student for long. Really long.

I am no expert on this. What do you say?

PS- Here is the previous (and controversial) post on IPL, cricket and law.

14 April 2010
General blogging

I’m writing this in a hurry, so apologies in advance if its a bit abrupt. You see, I’m working on a “deal”.

For the (mercifully) uninitiated, a “deal” is a mythical creature with no readily identifiable form or substance. It ebbs and flows- it can lie on the backburner for years enjoying its benign existence and suddenly morph into your worst nightmare. The only thing that is constant about is a deal is the people involved- lawyers, accountants and the odd unculled banker.

 

For those of you who have been wondering how things work at Colby, Hewitt and Richards LLP, this is an attempt to present the rational and unemotional junior lawyer’s perspective.

 

The firm (like all soul-sucking institutions) is built upon the following hierarchy of power.

In descending order of importance-
 

1. Partners

Names: William Colby, Chris Hewitt, Jack Richards.
Personality type: Alpha male.

Description: The pit bosses. The rainmakers. The breadwinners.
Call them what you want, they are the ones bringing in the moolah. They also take home most of it. They make sure everyone knows exactly who the boss is and their Bentleys are kept shiny. They solve ego clashes within the partnership by arranging their names alphabetically  on the front door. They have the luxury of coming in late and going home early.

 

2. Senior Associates 
Names: Katherine Moody, Johannes Sutcliffe, Charles Ramsay, Joy Rogers and Matthew Thomson.

Personality type: Connector.

Description: The rock. The thinker. The ox.

They work the hardest and bill the most. Their job is to make sure each associate pulls their weight and team members don’t rip each others’ throats out. With work, mortgage payments, wives and PTA meetings, Senior Associates seldom realise that youth has passed them by and that the Pet Shop Boys are no longer in vogue.  This usually results in them grossly overestimating their capacity for alcohol and being carried home on a regular basis. At least this way, once in a while they get to see what their kids look like. The upshot is that most Senior Associates hang somewhere between merely disliking their jobs and committing suicide. Fortunately, the hope of colossal riches at the end of the partnership rainbow helps keep them going through their second and third nervous breakdowns.

 

3. Associates 
Names: David Doyle, Jane Jameson, James Doherty, Alex Gerhard,  Rebecca Knightley, Kirsten Adams, Yusuf Siddiqui, Robert Dylan, Eric van Kook, Nandii Reywal.

Personality type: Maverick

Description: The rebel. The follower. The life of the office party.

When he qualifies, the sole aim of the amicable, content associate is to somehow be done with work around approximately 5.29 p.m. on a daily basis. Deals that kick off at 5.30 p.m. are therefore abhorred by the associate at a deeper, philosophical level. Over time, he discovers that deals develop the annoying habit of being spread across six time-zones, which leave his body clock bewildered. Living in a time warp slowly destroys his love-life too- most women find it hard to compete for a man’s attention with a relentlessly beeping Blackberry. The associate realises it is a bit trying having to constantly pretend to know what’s going on, lest he be mistaken for the lowly trainee (discussed below). Billable hours then rear their ugly heads and the associate works diligently to achieve and exceed these targets for the right to brag about his (skimpy) bonus. At about this time, the great divide occurs and one of two things happens. Either:
1) he starts blogging about his job, is found out and fired. In time, the rebel goes on to win a Pulitzer for this literary masterpiece; or
2) his spirit breaks and he accepts his miserable fate.  The conformist goes through the motions and compensates for not having a life by drinking large quantities of alcohol with his immediate superiors. Before long, he becomes the Senior Associate’s drinking buddy and after-party drop home (see above), thereby earning his confidence. In due time, he is promoted to the next level of wretchedness.

 

4. Trainees

Names: Can’t be bothered. They’re probably not going to be around tomorrow anyway. 
Personality type: Used car salesman.

Description: Overpaid. Underworked. Minion.

Trainees live the good life. A random sample of their work would include, without fail, the intellectually challenging tasks of proofreading documents, carrying heavy boxes, circulating checklists, collecting signed documents and sending couriers. As these bottom-feeders are not expected to know a thing, the secret to being a successful trainee is threefold (in order of importance):
1) resisting the urge to make one of the Partners his/her BFF after a few drinks;
2) mastering the art of looking incredibly busy and bustling around the office, doing absolutely nothing of consequence; and
3) convincing one and all of his/her undying love for work.

When qualification time comes around, such talent is duly recognized and the best are rewarded with jobs at Colby, Hewitt and Richards LLP, replacing the rebellious bloggers. The rest are send packing with recommendations for jobs as baggage handlers at Heathrow.

 

(11:53 p.m.: Desk phone rings- “Charles Ramsay” flashes on screen. He is not too happy with the drafting of Clause 6.3(a) of the document. I change the word “notice” to “notification” and email it to him again. I then proceed to stare out of my window. This is going to be a long night.)

 

*************End of post************** 

 

 

 

 

11 April 2010
General blogging

Compulsory Voting

 On the 16th of December 2009. Gujarat government announced that it will pass an Act on the Gujarat Local Authorities Laws (Amendment) Bill, 2009.The amendment will voting compulsory for all citizens of Gujarat to vote to elections to a self governing body. This will make the right to vote, a duty. It will apply to all qualified voters Municipal Corporations, Municipalities, district, talukas and village panchayats. When it is done. Gujarat will be the first state in India to do such a thing. It will be implemented for the first time in October 2010 during the Municipal elections in Ahmedabad.

 I am not taking sides here. I just want to point out the pros and cons of the action.

 Voting in India is not compulsory. We usually have 50-60% turnout. We also see some candidates winning and being elected even though they have just received only 10-20% votes of the total registered voters. I mean how can someone be chosen to rule over the constituency even when he/she has received only 1/5 of the total votes. Most people don’t vote because of two main reasons. First, they think that their votes don’t count for much. A single vote won’t make a difference. Second, they think that none of the contestants are good enough. I read it in a book named Freakonomics that a very very low number of elections are won by a margin of one vote. Does that mean that your vote doesn’t matter ? No if everyone thinks like that then it will be very tough to choose good candidates. Why should people be forced. They know that voting for a good candidate is in turn going to benefit them only. They have to understand that. If we consider them as adults and give them the right to vote then we should treat them like adults and let them make the decision on whether to vote or not. To make my point more clear I would like to quote a analogy.

The Lifeboat Analogy.

 You are one of twenty two people who are stranded on a life boat after the pleasure cruiser sinks.

 Yes there is enough room and supplies for all of you for the immediate future so no decision has to be made as to who has to be thrown overboard. However there is one problem: the navigator has gone down with the ship and no one actually knows which direction to row to ultimately reach the shipping lanes. Even though no one knows for sure, eleven members of those on board have formulated ideas. Some think they can operate the sextant which has been saved, some believe they can tell which way to go by the currents, some by the sun, and some by the prevailing winds. The problem is that there is not general consensus from all there theories, and existing provisions will only allow for one attempt. It is ultimately decided that a vote has to be taken to decide whose theory will be accepted to decide the course to follow. Because the decision may well result in the life or death of everyone on board it is decided that everyone will have the right to vote. Even though you yourself have come to no theory, you decide to vote with one person who, to you, gives the general impression of being slightly more astute and knowledgeable that the other amateurs navigators. This leaves the remaining ten occupants. Not only do they have no idea which is the best direction for rescue, they also share equal faith in all of those who have suggested theories. Therefore because they fear their vote may lead to the wrong decision, they have decided to abstain from voting.

 Will you allow the ten to abstain from voting or will you insist that, because lives are at risk, they must partake in the vote?

 On the other hand, let us consider the scenario where voting is compulsory.

 So its election day and you HAVE to vote. Sounds weird. We are so used to voting being a right that we cannot grasp the thought of it being a duty. The first question that comes to your mind is,” Why would someone want to do that ?” . The reasons given are :

 “It is a central conservative insight that democracy confers both rights and responsibilities. Attending a polling booth on election day is the mildest possible responsibility”

“Voting is a civic duty”

“Obligations may be imposed on individual for the benefit of the society generally”

Many countries like Australia, Belgium, Cyprus, Greece, Argentina, Brazil, Chile and Egypt to name a few have compulsory voting.

 Government of Gujarat is thus not the first to come up with the concept. On April 17, 2009 the Supreme Court of India had dismissed a plea to make voting compulsory. The plea was filed by Atul Sarode from Savda district in Maharashtra. He wanted to make voting compulsory for all elections. His plea also mooted the idea of not allowing any one to represent a constituency unless he/she fails to get a minimum of 51% of votes. If that doesn’t happen then there should be re-elections. We cannot choose the best from the worst. After all it’s a matter of running our constituency. We do not want some random person to govern us. We want responsible people. Why can we not have re-elections ? Some say that it is too expensive. I say if he/she is going to govern us then we definitely should take all precautionary measures available to see to it that we choose only the best. The plea also mooted the idea of e-voting.

 A bench of Chief Justice K.G. Balakrishnan and Justice P. Sathasivam dismissed the plea and observed that a greater voter turnout could be ensured only by increasing people’s awareness. They also observed that voter turnout of 60% was satisfactory. (?!?!?!)

Well, this is the state of our India.

 We also have a No vote provision in our constitution. Article 49-O of The Conduct of Election Rules, 1961 gives the right to its citizens to not vote for any of the candidates even after going to the pooling booth. This provision has been very nicely hidden by our politicians. I have never seen a News Channel run a report on this provision. Even when it comes to the papers, it just a small article stating the basic things. Even poll booth volunteers don’t know what steps are to be taken when someone wants to exercise this right.

 The Gujarat Local Authorities Laws (Amendment) Bill, 2009. allows negative voting. The manner of negative voting and its impact on other candidates will be worked out by the state government through special rules framed later. It is also under consideration that all candidates will be disqualified if negative voting is the highest.

In countries that have compulsory voting, there are certain sanctions imposed if people fail to vote. Some of them are :

  • He has to give a legitimate explanation for not voting. ( I think this can be easily abused)
  • A fine is imposed on him/her. The amount of fine depends from country to country.
  • It can also lead to imprisonment. No cases have been filed under this but sometimes when a person does not pay fine even after repeated warnings then he is sentenced to imprisonment. Although the reason for imprisonment is given as failure to pay fine and not failure to vote.
  • Other sanctions are like in Belgium, it is difficult to get a job in public sector if you have not voted. There are also social sanctions, in Mexico it is difficult to get a day care place for your child if you are a non-voter. Salary of government employees is sometimes stopped if they don’t vote.

 Gujarat government is also thinking of something like that. An official has said that people who do not vote will be deprived on Below Poverty Line (BPL) cards, government service and subsidized loan. Defaulters will be served a one month notice and in that time they have to give a reason to the election commissioner for not voting. The exempted categories will include people who are physically incapable due to illness, or absent on the date of election from the country or the state of Gujarat.

 India is a land where Bills and their corresponding Acts can sometimes be so different that it’s difficult to find something common between them. We can just hope that this time they come up with a logical Act.

Long live Democracy.