From the Vada Pavs of Mumbai to the Kathi Rolls of Kolkata, there always will be the typical people you will see in every law firm. Here is DudeDiligence’s take on the people you meet at law firms:

(a) The Hot Dumbo: She has blue eyes, long flowing black hair, breasts to give Poonam Pandey a chase for her money. She is always in short skirts, tight salwars and deep neck tops. Apart from looking forward to the weekend, it is her clothes that you look forward to on a Friday dress down. But her mammary excesses are balanced with her intellectual scarcity. She searches for ‘section’ 13 of the Constitution. Competition act for her is the legislation governing beauty pageants and a memo is just momo wrongly spelt. But defying logic she is present at the most important client meetings, survives every assessment and even manages a better bonus each year. Banging her in the office loo remains your utopia.

(b) The Star Performer: He is always on time for meetings, work, lunch, office drinks. His brown shoes always match his brown belt, not to mention his yellow shirt and brown pants. He recalls rule 5 of the Mizoram Civil Service Rules, 2000 with the same ease that he rattles of an entire three page force majeure clause from a deal he did four years ago. He is always on the best deals, manages to keep up with all of his 8765 deals, never shouts on you for any typos and always ensures that he sees every bloody email that’s sent on a deal. He usually survives for days without food, water and air during closings and the only holiday he takes during the year is to nurse his swollen rectum caused due to excessive sitting on his chair. He would never be your friend in law school, you suck up to him now because that’s your only road to survive.

(c) The Cranky Bitch of a Partner: She has just had her second child (in vitro possibly). Between scolding the nanny, ensuring that the mix between milk powder and water is right, checking on her children’s homework, seeing if Prada has come out with its latest fall collection – she also manages to be a partner. When you walk into her room, you never know what to expect. She could scold you for your best work, she could praise you for a typo filled contract. When you send her an email at 7 in the evening, her replies usually come in at 4 am while breastfeeding her child. Your emotions for her usually oscillate between her being an incarnate of Mother Teresa to being the next Dolly Bindra. She could shout at you in front of a client and defend you in front of the BIG boss. She is exactly what you fear your girl friend will end up becoming.

(d) The Cool Dude: He is your best friend in office. Typically 12^th ranked in law school. He plays awesome chess, discusses Sierra Leone with the same intensity as Sunny Leone and knows that Victor Ponta is the Prime Minister of Romania. He usually is the reason office parties are fun, he is the one to call for vodka shots on the table. His pictures from Raichur to Rwanda make him a star on Facebook. He could be the best associate in town, but he better makes the CEO of a tech company. He lacks attention to detail but the only reason he makes through his deals is because of his common sense rather than his ‘common law sense’.

(f) Me: Each day I wonder why I go to office. Each day I wish there was an earthquake and they declared a holiday. The only day I wake up at 6 am to check emails is on the day of Ganesh Chaturthi immersion to see if I could drink work from home. I am inevitably late to office every day. One day I actually bunked office on the pretext of a burglary at home. I try each day to see if there is some way to watch porn without hitting the firewall. I even Google for precedents for asset purchase agreements. I wish each year I had made an LLM application to get rid of my misery at the firm. I spend most of my day cursing that thought process which made me go to law school. The only friends I envy on Facebook are those cool ones who went on to live their dream to do cool things like being a DJ or leading a rock band. I spend more time liking and commenting on people pictures on Facebook than proofreading an offer document. Each year after an abysmal assessment I promise myself to work hard the next year. Sometimes I wonder if I am a real lawyer, I don’t even know how to get an injunction in a court.

I wish I could leave my job. I wish I could do something cool. I wish I could make it atleast to the gym everyday. I wish I could write this blog for a living. I wish I didn’t suck at everything I did. [Psst…did any one notice - I did not even get my numbering right on this post!]

[Dudediligence is a BigLaw certified asshole. He loves his beer, her b88bs and banter. He can be abused at diligencedude at gmail.com and is usually open to having beer anyday with hot women. Follow “Dudediligence1” on Twitter.]