I'm a 10-year pqe. I'd consider that I've a pretty decent career, I've done T1s, T2s, Boutiques, and I'm now a senior of a vertical at a well to do set up. My take home is pretty good, my life in general is pretty good. I have a good apartment, I'm married to a successful lawyer, and I have the material life that would ordinarily qualify as "what could you possibly be complaining about?"

That said, since covid my brain's been off the fritz. I sometimes sit and just cry inconsolably, my temper - while never released on juniors or anyone employed by me - is always on the break of snapping and vile things come out my mouth when I don't even want to, which again leads me to hate and berate myself. I've tried to end things multiple times, held back only because I genuinely love my spouse. Every waking minute I'm alone is a minute I hate and want to hurt myself. I cannot for the life of me take therapy because I just do not respect myself after those things. I have drinking problems, but I've managed to avoid it disturbing my life till now.

Anyone else dealing with anything similar? How are you dealing with this? What can I do?

I don't need empty platitudes of "stay strong", "I'm sorry" etc. I need real advi(c)e.

Covid has definitely taken a toll on lot of us, especially if you have lost a near or dear one. It also disrupted our social fabric and as working professionals, once you lose touch with people, it’s difficult to get back in.

Would like to share my insight and you may find this helpful. I have taken a break working from law firms (although lesser PQE than you), and I didn’t join anywhere after leaving my law firm.

What I’ve realised is - the 1st Month immediately after leaving was mentally very disturbing. My brain had got used to the work and the pressure and the constant calls that the sudden void was causing withdrawal syndromes. The sudden hollowness craved some direction/ instruction from outside. Btw, no matter how much I write, I can never explain the mental zone that I was in while working (even when there may not have been lot of work). I’m mentioning this because when I spoke to my friends in other industries (not law) they didn’t seem to be facing this. It took me some time to get out of the feeling that I was “wasting time” or I had to “be productive”.

The other thing is - I felt like my work sucked out my personality and I was only a shadow of the past me. Just sitting at home after leaving thinking something nice will happen doesn’t work. I had to actively take interest and go out and try out different activities so I feel like my former self.

I feel - when we are working, our entire time is spent at work / thinking about work, so we also end up hanging with work colleagues, but at the end of the day, you can’t really share everything and treat them as your friends. So the that bottling up some emotions causes undue stress.

Not sure, how much this will help, but I hope it gets better.

same. Though im currently a law student and interned with a tier 1 with a hell lot of work over the weekends and late nights on Sundays as well. Now that it's over I feel complete void and weird. I see myself constantly applying to different firms for more internships and with the same firm as well. I attend classes, but just learning from readings seems too less for me now. I keep finding myself drafting random DRHP chapters for no reason for random made up companies and research for some made up company. I dont have friends as well due to this, and my parents think somethings wrong with me. Idk what to do now.

It sounds like you're not able to talk to anyone about how you really feel, including your wife? You said you don't want to hear / consider this, but therapy might be the exact thing that could conceivably help in the space you are in. In fact, it's designed and intended for your situation, and it shouldn't carry the stigma that you attach to it, or have to cause any impact to your self respect (even if you think right now you must make it alone or whatever other reason you might have for feeling this way).

And the fact that you're able to articulate these thoughts you're having in writing, means you already have more self-awareness and perspective than most people in your situation. Give some therapists a go, what's the worst that could happen if you speak your fears out loud?

PLEASE TAKE THERAPY.. PLEASE DO NOT ASSOCIATE IT WITH SELF RESPECT!!

I have been though extreme dark days.. I have 14pqe.. I took therapy and I must say it must be a basic for all, and especially in our profession. I know super successful ppl who have regular therapists, Rhodes scholars included. Please do this.

OP here. Do you have any references that you can list? Maybe an organization that's capable of speaking with professionals in the space? I have tried therapy but it hasn't given me actionable solutions. I couldn't not be stressed about my work, or just "draw boundaries" at the time, things may be marginally different now. I'm willing to give it a go, but on reco basis only.

Thanks a lot. And thanks generally to everyone else who took the time to comment.