I am at the lowest place I have been in in quite some time. Nothing feels good. Nothing seems to be a source of happiness. I find myself caught between the jagged edges of the sharp rocks at the bottom of a canyon so deep that the sky itself appears to be nothing but a tiny speck of light, one that I will never reach or step into. I have lost all coherence, confidence, and the boisterous man that I once was now seems like a different lifetime. Burdened under financial obligations that were a result of my own greed and desires, I now have no option but to continue to soldier on in a job that does not motivate me, does not excite me, working under someone whom I seem to be constantly disappointing, and, perhaps worst of all, I feel like an impostor who is simply taking up the space of someone who deserves this job way more than I do and who, without a doubt, could perhaps do a better job than I ever could.
Shutting down, even momentarily, appears to be an attractive option, but the next email that needs to go out, or the next opinion that needs to be drafted, or the next transaction that looms on the horizon terrifies me. There could have been no better rendezvous with worthlessness and a complete lack of direction than the situation I find myself in. I am perhaps a month (or two) away from being fired. I arrived at the altar of failure a while back.
There’s no other place for me to go, so I’m here. There’s no one but me who can help myself, but my motivation has worked itself out to failure and the strands of hope that I was clinging on to now exist no longer. I have failed myself and now, I must rebuild. Only thing is, this house can’t come crumbling down, because there still is a long way to go and I am out of fuel.
I went through the first few lines and I couldn't proceed further as that only brings back horrible memories of almost the same things i went through before almost during these months itself actually. I really know it sounds cliche but it gets better. It really does. I wouldn't have believed it if someone told me that back then too but just keep it at the back of your mind. It really does get better.
I can understand, truly. I have been in this situation. Stupid HR told me to mend my ways or they will have to extend my probation.
I thought I will get fired and most probably I would have. But then, I thought it is better to stay put and resign on my terms. I started putting in a lot of hours in work as I was terribly slow and unmotivated. Believe me, it is no rocket science. Any below average guy (academically) can be a star at a firm. It is all about slogging, like a crazy.
I took 40 hours to draft an opinion whereas a colleague would take 15 but with few hours of sleep week after week I started doing a reasonable job. I started getting better with time. I then worked on my speed. Started writing gibberish and then post completing an opinion, I took time to revise it. This actually saved a lot of hours else I would be clinging to a sentence thinking how to perfectly write a sentence. Parallelly, I was looking for in house roles as well.
No one can be as pathetic as I was during those days- absolutely clueless, unmotivated and with an awful boss. But one thing was for sure, I did not want to get fired. I quit my T1 firm only after getting a promotion (hell yeah!) and moved in house.
Request: please don't get fired. Show them what you are capable of. When they start respecting you, and once you are a bit financially secure (another very important aspect), look for another role that interests you and then resign. May force be with you. Best of luck, buddy.
Shutting down, even momentarily, appears to be an attractive option, but the next email that needs to go out, or the next opinion that needs to be drafted, or the next transaction that looms on the horizon terrifies me. There could have been no better rendezvous with worthlessness and a complete lack of direction than the situation I find myself in. I am perhaps a month (or two) away from being fired. I arrived at the altar of failure a while back.
There’s no other place for me to go, so I’m here. There’s no one but me who can help myself, but my motivation has worked itself out to failure and the strands of hope that I was clinging on to now exist no longer. I have failed myself and now, I must rebuild. Only thing is, this house can’t come crumbling down, because there still is a long way to go and I am out of fuel.
I hope tomorrow is better...
2. Don't rationalize negative scenarios.
3. Find your self-affirmations based on your correct choices and where you were appreciated.
I really know it sounds cliche but it gets better. It really does. I wouldn't have believed it if someone told me that back then too but just keep it at the back of your mind. It really does get better.
Stay strong buddy.
Seneca says we suffer much more in imagination than in reality!
Vedanta says we are all gods. Who suffers? who is sad? your true nature is pure bliss!
I thought I will get fired and most probably I would have. But then, I thought it is better to stay put and resign on my terms. I started putting in a lot of hours in work as I was terribly slow and unmotivated. Believe me, it is no rocket science. Any below average guy (academically) can be a star at a firm. It is all about slogging, like a crazy.
I took 40 hours to draft an opinion whereas a colleague would take 15 but with few hours of sleep week after week I started doing a reasonable job. I started getting better with time. I then worked on my speed. Started writing gibberish and then post completing an opinion, I took time to revise it. This actually saved a lot of hours else I would be clinging to a sentence thinking how to perfectly write a sentence. Parallelly, I was looking for in house roles as well.
No one can be as pathetic as I was during those days- absolutely clueless, unmotivated and with an awful boss. But one thing was for sure, I did not want to get fired. I quit my T1 firm only after getting a promotion (hell yeah!) and moved in house.
Request: please don't get fired. Show them what you are capable of. When they start respecting you, and once you are a bit financially secure (another very important aspect), look for another role that interests you and then resign. May force be with you. Best of luck, buddy.
https://www.sriramanamaharshi.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/who_am_I.pdf