My wife and I have been married for 7+ years, and have 2 children ages 2 and 5. She was working when we met and it was a Love marriage and no dowry was involved (which I've come about to regret). I work full-time (PA tier 2). Wife has worked in a sales profile making decent money but has left work since our kids were born. My wife now has outright refused to work (even part time) with stupid excuses like she wants to spend time with the children or how all her friends are stay at home moms too. We don't have money problems but it's really frustrating for me to be grinding non stop 24x7 while she's sitting on her ass (she does not cook or clean either so we have maids) watching Netflix in the next room. Are anyone of you in the same situation (ungrateful dependents)? How do I/did you cope with this?
You have some serious issues with your wife. You should go for couples therapy. Not sure what advice you can get from a forum full of kids in their 20s.
Especially when people like R are around it's better you try counselling. If he starts commenting or advising, I don't think even a counsellor could help you. I'm sure by now the "trollish" Tag would have already affected your mental well being being through this. Before he starts saying something more go for counselling
Are you for real? You don't think looking after two kids consists of work? Try sending your wife away on a holiday for a month and taking care of the children all by yourself. Or rather, don't. I shudder to think what will happen to the children in that month. If you think you don't want to work so much, get a new job that allows 10-5 work hours, and lead a less expensive life. The moment you said that you regret the decision not to take dowry, you revealed yourself to be a grade A s*um, so you will surely do well in your job.
Judgemental lads in the forum, guys! Better not judge when you don't know the overall scenario - what kind of couple they are, what is he or the wife like, etc etc. Also, he mentioned she wants to spend time with kids that don't, necessarily, equate to taking their care too.
No, as opposed to the assumptions that you ask me to make, I choose instead to make my judgment based on the facts known to us for sure. That he is pro-dowry and that he does not consider taking care of children to be a worthwhile job at all. Even if his wife turns out to be a terrible person, that will not make this attitude of his to disappear. In other words, if his wife turns out to be a terrible person too, then they would both be terrible people. As of now, only he has been proven to be terrible. That's logic. Try not to remain stuck only in the assumption stage of it.
So you think he is the one taking care of the children too? How sweet and gullible of you. Had he been doing that, he would have mentioned that in bold. At least twice.
You take a low-paying job and pay Netflix recurring charges for 4K on the credit card every month and Show Me! Let’s not forget all day delivery from Amazon, Tata Cliq, Myntra, etc etc etc! The credit card bills for those! Let’s not even talk about those vacations which must happen every two months! If I go 9-5 with low pay, my stay at home wife will divorce me!
Work should be divided amongst both equally, ideally. Both of them should work, take care of kids, and do household chores! If she is doing nothing - as you said - then tell her. Also, who takes care of the kids - it isn't a juggernaut, of course?
Not necessarily. That issue should have been sorted out before marriage. If not, it needs to be sorted out now. Someone may want not to work after being a mother. No reason why that person should be forced to. If that means that they will have to adjust to a different lifestyle, then that should be a mutual decision too. If they cannot arrive at a consensus, then they should seek professional help and/or not stay together. I don't think she had signed any covenant to contribute financially throughout her life.
I have been observing the so-called “full-time homemaker” at various Indian households. From my years of careful observation, I find that those who belong to the upper-middle class (and above) are very much on a paid vacation. Many things in such households are automated/ supported with at least 2-3 full/part-time staff. The proof of their irrelevance is evident from their (dismal) levels of involvement with actual matters related to running the home. Even the kids are taken care of with nannies, tutors, smartphone apps, et al. Household running tasks, a lot of them, are made by domestic help. Management decisions emanating from the full-time homemaker in most cases in such setups are mind-numbing to deal with. Such households are even backed up with the most expensive of equipment (modular kitchen with equipment costing lakhs of rupees, Dyson vacuum cleaners, hair groomers…etc..) - all of which are hardly ever used - thanks to services like Looks Salon, Zomato, Swiggy, Qmin (Taj Hotel) or the many other spring cleaning services, etc.
If I were ever in a position of power, I would do everything in my might to make the “full-time Indian homemaker” an extinct species - esp in households that generate more than INR 24 lakhs per annum.
An educated woman with professional degrees has no business sitting pretty, twiddling her thumbs on the cell phone and wasting time on streaming apps and kitty parties, paid for in full, by the husband. If this shit stops (which it should, for take sake of womanhood), I'll, in my heart, also believe that women are equal. Until then, I’ll say it (that women are equal) for the sake of not getting trolled by some nutty self-proclaimed left-liberal!
The only thing which don't let me sympathise with you at the moment and write a long tribute to us "men in action" is the fact you have two kids. Both are young too, so unless your kids aren't turning out fine, I can't see one reason why you'd be so angry on wifey. Altho Netflix is a major turn off to me too 🥲
I agree. This isn't trollish and a serious concern many would face. I think LI and R have lost it. It's not "reasonable" Anymore which Kian kind of was
So after going through so much, all you can think of right now is how you should have taken dowry? The exact same problem that you have with your wife - of not doing anything but still getting comfortable life in return, is what dowry would have done for you too, right? How does that make you a better person then?
IMO, being a housewife in a poor household is really difficult. It's really difficult to take care of the family (esp. kids and in-laws) must be quite difficult with the limited resources. But upper middle class women/men saying being a homemaker is a difficult job is a bag of bullshit, considering that they are essentially outsourcing their entire work. The schools and tutors take care of the kids, the cook and the maid take care of the house. You're simply on a never-ending vacation, and I can totally understand people with actual jobs being envious and cribbing about these homemakers.
So you're judging a person upbringing based on one paragraph that they have written on one topic on an anonymous forum? Good upbringing or not, you don't really seem to be in a good spot either.
People's upbringing is judged based on their behaviour. How else will it be displayed, via certificates or badges pinned to their lapel? What you say and do determine who are you and who you've been raised to be. Thats reality 101 for you.
Hey, talk to her. Not from anger. Please explain that your job is very difficult and it would be great if she could also support you. I understand from your post that you feel that your wife doesn't show interest in building a home and is emotionally unavailable. Please convey it to your wife. Hear her out. Perhaps she might be thinking differently. But it's very important that you tell your expectations to her.
OP here. I had a rough day, stretched it a bit. I love my wife, just didn't think this was the set up I was getting into. She was passionate about her job and enjoyed it when we met and always maintained she will work after marriage. Unlike certain replies, I have nothing against homemakers, my mom is one (although woh dahej ke saath aayi thi lol). come to think of it, this was just a frustrated rant. Peace.
Dear R - I fail to understand your moderation policy. My 290 word comment of 2 hours ago (as on 1:36 AM) is absolutely legit, within the four walls of fair and independent reasoning and doesn’t deserve to be moderated like this.
Dear OP- Bro, speak to your wife and sort it out. Effective communication is the key to any relationship. Rough day or not, it's clear that you feel a certain way (atleast subconsciously) about your wife and one day or the other it is going to come out and things are going to get real ugly. Before that happens, tell her how you feel.
No it can't be sorted. Men created a model, which was successful for them in the 80 and 90s. Now it has come to bite them in the ass. The wifey is gonna enjoy her full life, watch Netflix and go out on lunch and occasionally take care of her children and enjoy w them. The husband will have to slog every day and provide. If he whines more, worst is divorce, but even in this it's his loss. Everything will go.
Aur don't allow women to not study, work, enter formal and informal economy.
This century is of women, what men don't realize is they haven't still hit rock bottom.
Women have added advt everywhere today. Men can't give birth. All they do is earn lil money. In that also if they start to whine on then kya hoga
She will leave you for better prospects w your children and you will be ruined and u will have to pay her too.
Better let her watch Netflix and enjoy. Don't u think it's your moral responsibility to pay for what men generations ago did.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Xp4z5qlyqs
If I were ever in a position of power, I would do everything in my might to make the “full-time Indian homemaker” an extinct species - esp in households that generate more than INR 24 lakhs per annum.
An educated woman with professional degrees has no business sitting pretty, twiddling her thumbs on the cell phone and wasting time on streaming apps and kitty parties, paid for in full, by the husband. If this shit stops (which it should, for take sake of womanhood), I'll, in my heart, also believe that women are equal. Until then, I’ll say it (that women are equal) for the sake of not getting trolled by some nutty self-proclaimed left-liberal!
- R
Quite hypocrite. SHAME ON YOU.
Please explain that your job is very difficult and it would be great if she could also support you.
I understand from your post that you feel that your wife doesn't show interest in building a home and is emotionally unavailable.
Please convey it to your wife. Hear her out. Perhaps she might be thinking differently. But it's very important that you tell your expectations to her.
I had a rough day, stretched it a bit. I love my wife, just didn't think this was the set up I was getting into. She was passionate about her job and enjoyed it when we met and always maintained she will work after marriage. Unlike certain replies, I have nothing against homemakers, my mom is one (although woh dahej ke saath aayi thi lol). come to think of it, this was just a frustrated rant. Peace.
Mumbai out.
- R
- R
Aur don't allow women to not study, work, enter formal and informal economy.
This century is of women, what men don't realize is they haven't still hit rock bottom.
Women have added advt everywhere today. Men can't give birth. All they do is earn lil money. In that also if they start to whine on then kya hoga
She will leave you for better prospects w your children and you will be ruined and u will have to pay her too.
Better let her watch Netflix and enjoy. Don't u think it's your moral responsibility to pay for what men generations ago did.