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Moving to a new place can be an overwhelming experience, especially if your kid has never stayed alone and has always depended on the parents for everything. Your kid will need to make friends there quickly, as they will become his/her support system there. A simple thing such as getting a car to travel, which the parents would provide back home, might seem infinitely difficult in these NLUs (most NLUs are in remote locations) if the kid doesn’t have friends to share the auto/cab fare with or the restaurant bill with(they charge a lot even for small distances near these NLUs). This may sound like a small hiccup, but when combined over time, they can make your living hell. More than teachers/ colleges, it’s the peers who will have a role in shaping him/her. But making friends can also turn out to be difficult due to culture shock.
By culture shock I don’t mean that different people have different food choices, or speak in different languages/ accents. While these are definitely a part of culture shock, it’s the other things which aren’t so apparent that one needs to be careful about.
We don’t give much thought to the process of making friends - for most of us (including me) it is an organic process where you find mutual interests and/ or you bond with people over time.
But in an NLU, where you have people hailing from different parts of the country, the way you speak and interact can vary massively. I learnt this the hard way that in these social interactions with your peers, your words (and non verbal) clues play a huge role in how they perceive you.
For ex- with some people, using abuses is absolutely unacceptable and considered uncouth, for others, it’s the most honest form of expression they can show (non-verbally) that they have accepted you as a friend, and that they are not “pretending” to be nice around you [Yes, some people confuse good manners with pretentiousness].
Or rather - how something said as a simple joke can be interpreted as an extremely rude comment by the others, and even viewed as extreme obsession with self [lot of people don’t understand exaggeration which is used as device to make jokes funnier]. These social interactions can seem harmless but end up be defining your entire college experience, as people are quick to judge, and you have to stay with them for the next 5 years.
(I am aware these above experiences are a bit difficult to put into words, so please bear with me)
NLUs were created to be a hub for diversity, and while the intention behind it seems good, it becomes a place where different worlds collide. The ugly side of it is when you put a bunch of inexperienced irresponsible youngsters in the same room, who have mostly never tasted freedom from their parents before, it becomes a cesspool for some of the worst activities which you can people imagine doing. (I’m not referring to drinking or smoking up)
I felt very out of place in my NLU, like I didn’t belong there. It turned me, who was an extremely outgoing person who loved to meet new people, into someone very introverted, avoiding people at all costs. Every interaction felt like navigating a landmine. I didn’t have a support system, and I struggled a lot....everyday day in the college was another day I dreaded. I tried to look for people around me to see if anyone else was going through the same thing, but couldn’t find anyone. For a long time, I kept wondering what I was doing wrong.
As I grew older, in my 4th/5th year I realised this wasn’t just happening to me, but countless other people. Just that no one was speaking up. Like me, all of them had stepped away from social interactions, and faded into oblivion. They were amongst us, but like the shadow around the corner that you don’t notice, they were inconspicuous.
The issue with trying to explain this to others is, it’s like discrimination..you won’t realise it’s happening, unless you’re the one facing it. The bright side is, most people do have a very positive experience and make lifelong friends in college. If you are from North India, there’s an extremely low chance of you facing this horrible experience (majority of the NLU crowd is from there so you’ll fit right in), but if you’re from a different part of the country, you’ll soon find yourself being ridiculed or laughed at for the smallest things which are very normal for you. Obviously not everyone targets you, but in your first year, when you are just trying to make friends, it does feel like the entire world (read 5 batches of college going kids) is laughing at you.
I hope this long paragraph has given you a different perspective and highlighted something that needed to be discussed. What I would like you to takeaway from this is, in the initial 1st - 2nd year, be there for you kid as he’ll need your support to transition into his/her adult/ college life. Don’t dismiss their concerns by asking him/her to just adjust. He’ll figure out his way on his own, but it will always be less painful if he/she knows you have their back and are willing to listen to them.
[Btw, I managed to survive college and I am currently a lawyer in a top law firm, so college life is not the end of the world]
Since I’ve written an essay by now, and it’s customary to end these things with a fancy quote, I would like to end this rather pedantic paragraph by this quote which almost became my college yearbook quote:
The Office, Season 7, episode 19, minute 14:45
I'm okay with it. Consuming cigarettes & alcohol is not beneficial - that's a different thing if you're adamant/too liberal.
Thanks a lot everyone. We are not the typical strict parent. I want him to enjoy life. The moment his CLAT results came we even bought him a bike. We don't check his phone or laptop. We are all for his freedom. Actually this question was posted here once he also asked allowed us. We have full trust in him.
But at the same time, he is a child as far as we are concerned. We don't want him to be addicted to some drugs or have bad friends who take alcohol, cigarettes, drugs or chase girls. You all are youngsters, when you become a parent probably you will understand.
Now it seems national law Universities will only open by 2022 - 23. After this covid fiasco. So he can easily spend 1 to 2 years at home.
Enjoyed reading this. Helpful to us.
Firstly, your kid is an adult. Alcohol and cigarettes are legal, and if he wants to consume them, that is his decision. Accept it. You may disagree with it, but you have no right to impose your morality on him.
What you can do as a parent is to sit down and have a frank conversation with him, and make him clearly see the flip side of addiction (which is a different thing from social consumption).
Please also drop the illusion that a residential college is there to impose control and discipline. That is not their job. That is your job,- and when your kid was a minor. In any case, you cannot shut your eyes and pretend that your kid will be safe from "outside influences" forever. Like I said, have an honest conversation, suggest boundaries, and let them be.
The girl/boy will become a woman/man once she/he lives out of home on their own. Visit them once in a while when you really want to.
Friends will become family and your boy will be taken care of.
Young adult he is. He will do fine. You'll hamper him more if you take too much care.
1. Being there when I needed them - and I did, law school can get lonely sometimes.
2. Trusting that I am working towards a sustainable career I'll enjoy. I was never pressured too much into going the transactional firm route.
3. Supporting me financially when I required it. Allowed me to be a litigator in the capital, and I thoroughly enjoy what I do on a daily basis. In contrast, a lot of friends went to firms - some like it, but a lot are not happy.
Law school is an extremely fun place and I can't tell you how better of a person it has made me. Please listen to your kid, treat them like an adult, but be there by their side when they make a mistake. They are growing into their own selves and would have views radically different from yours, be open to that experience.
Based on from where your child was living, college could be a culture shock, so help them out with that. There are times when your kid would be under pressure, lend them your ears and be as supportive as possible.
If you care about your child to this extent to go out and ask such questions, I am sure you will be a great parent and will help your child out.
Good luck and thanks for putting such a heartwarming question.
2. Keep a strict budget for them - keeping in mind your lifestyle, and more importantly assessing the lifestyle of his/her peer group/fellow students (if you're affluent, but most of the kids/batchmates are not, then cut down on the budget. Don't fret, its for your own kid's benefit).
3. Be sure to review their academic progress (do it semester/trimester wise - don't sit on their heads about exams, projects etc. This is the time for them to become responsible, but don't "fire and forget". Be sure to keep an eye on their attendance/performance. My NLU used to send attendance updates monthly and transcripts at the end of the semester/trimester).
4. Don't let them come home too often. Once in the middle of the semester/trimester is enough, if at all.
I loved it but everybody's experience may differ.
As far as performing well is concerned, I don't think you at a distance can do much about it. It depends on self discipline. Possibly you could keep on motivating him to do well. As far as a good life goes, some home snacks and routine video calls went a long way for me.
I do not know any background, but one thing I think will really help your kid (and kids in general) flourish is taking the pressure off them. No matter how useless clat is, it is still a stressful exam, with a stressful period of preparation. People are constantly in a rat race comparing scores with each other. Things tend to continue at university.
Yes, grades matter, but it is not the be all and end all. There are a multitude of opportunities in and away from the law based on skill. So if possible, please make him realise that, I hope I'd realised this earlier. I wouldn't have taken so much stress in the final two years before placements (although that stress did improve my rank).
In all probability (based on statistics I've observed), he will drink (maybe smoke/smoke up too). Could help to make him try these substances in your presence, so that the curiousity angle is taken away, and he isn't left vulnerable among a bunch of strangers.
The first time I tried any of this, I was in college among people I trusted, so even if I embarrassed myself, it was not a big deal.
One thing for him to remember - it's a 5 year game. Don't be too individual centred early in university, don't make enemies, and try new things. From sports to academics, whatever. The friendships and bonds made in university tend to last a lifetime, and are extremely helpful in the legal profession, from a professional perspective. Wishing the best.
Rest, he is going to have a wonderful life there. There are many in NLUs who have their first time away from home, they all end up doing good without any problem.
How can we ensure that our boy performs well and has a good life there?