Experts & Views
IMPORTANT NOTE: The following satirical article is wholly fictional with no intent to refer to or offend anyone, any firm or any moot. Every insult/joke has its source in comments (not linked) or various posts (linked) on Jessup judging by Legally India. Again, any offense taken is regrettable, because no offense was meant. Okay, maybe a little. ;)
“We did not lose because our research was bad. We lost because I did not wear my belt.” Said Mooter Mukherjee coldly.
“Your belt?” said our confused local correspondent for Legally India’s Mooters’ Pastiche of Lies (MPL) category.
“My belt. It is made from the skin of a cow found in a Buddhist graveyard at midnight. I make my grandfather perform black magic on it, black magic is a cherished Bengali tradition, along with empty swearing and alcoholism. Anyway, this belt is my lucky moot belt.”
“Black magic?” said our correspondent in shock.
“Of course. After all, I am from NUJS, how else will I win a moot. What are you, stupid? Everyone knows that NUJS wins moots with black magic and NLUJ has forgotten how to win moots. Nobody knows why Nalsar wins moots yet, but good conspiracy theories take time to create. Please give us some time.”
“What about NLU Delhi?”
“It is obvious that NLUD is too young for anything but bottlefeeding competitions. They win by stealing the souls of NLS students.”
“Stealing souls?” said our correspondent, bleakly.
“Yes. They look like NLUD students, they sound like NLUD students, but if you cut them open, you will find the souls of NLS students furiously making memos inside the stomachs. Ask anyone from NLS, they all know this truth.”
“And where are the bodies of these soulless NLS students?” said our correspondent, riveted.
“What a stupid question. Walking around NLS as usual, of course. Nobody can tell the difference anyway. It’s a brilliant plan.”
***
(In conversation with NLUD’s team, for a response to the NUJS team’s allegations)
“Lies, utter lies!” spluttered Baby Punjabi, the NLU Delhi moot team’s first speaker.
“Then how do you explain your win at the Perished C. Jurist Moot’s national rounds this year?”
“The straightforward way of course. Just like everyone else. Great preparation.”
“Involving what?”
“Well I topped Geography at my school, so the revision was overall really easy, I just had to run quickly through the minor ports one last time. I almost got caught on the capital of Tajikistan at one point! The judges were very competent and we even exchanged a few witty jokes, heh heh heh” chuckled B. Punjabi in evident self-satisfaction.
“I’m sorry, wasn’t the moot on International Law?” said our correspondent, dazed.
“Yes, and one half of the phrase ‘international law’ is ‘international’! So one judge was a Geography teacher! So what! What, are you from one of those NLUs? Is it NLS? Are you jealous of us? Admit it, admit it!” screamed B. Punjabi in a froth of sudden anger, flailing his arms and fists at our cowering correspondent.
“Don’t worry, he is just hungry, he will be ok as soon as he gets hourly bottle-feed from our coach.” Said the NLUD researcher sympathetically.
“His…. bottlefeed?” said our correspondent.
“Yes, haven’t you heard. NLUD mooters have an anti-spoon policy. We prefer bottles.”
“Suck it, losers! We can eat you for breakfast!” shouted B. Punjabi incoherently, while being led away by security.
“Yes, but only if you are mixed with milk, easily digestible and served in bottles.” added the researcher patting our correspondent’s shoulder soothingly.
***
(in conversation with Mr. Bahana, partner of Bahana & Bahana, organizers of the national rounds of the Perished C. Jurist Moot)
“Mr. Bahana do you wish to comment on having picked a geography teacher to be judge?”
“Absolutely. We could not help it. My father is unavailable on Sundays since the Hindu’s special crossword comes out on Sundays. The geography teacher was merely a backup plan.”
“What do you say to the allegations of the NLS speaker, that this teacher is incompetent to judge these national rounds?”
“I say to him, what is the use of knowing all this international Treaty-Sheety if you don’t know all the state capitals in your own country. India is best, Jai Bharat Mata Ki. But I also feel sorry for him, he is under great pressure and also had terrible mooting luck” said Mr. Bahana displaying patriotic and sympathetic feelings (in that order).
“Really?”
“Yes, I do not blame him; did you know Cuddalore is a minor and not major port? Fascinating, fascinating, we learn something new every year!” chuckled Mr Bahana ruffling our correspondent’s hair in a fatherly fashion.
“Thank you for your comment. The MPL is vastly enriched by your assistance.”
***
This exciting update was brought to you by MPL Live, your personal bullshit generator! On the hour, every hour!
Next week in MPL Live - Did ILS mooters perform Jedi Mind Tricks on the judges????!!!!!?!
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@anon - :)
Laugh all u can but this is a real deal, even Karnataka CM had made a press statement regarding him being a victim of some malicious black magic.
If that had been the truth, then even after getting jobs, NUJS students would have not been performing well in their respective firms, companies because of black magic.
As per you,They are able to win so many moots because of black magic. They were able to place all of its student of 1st batch because of black magic.
NUJS become the Only Indian team to win Vienna Moot because of the black magic.
It has been able attract brilliant faculties just because of black magic.
Madhava Menon must have been affected by black magic that he came here to establish NUJS.
Just because of Black magic, NUJS Law Review has been ranked as the best law review in India.
Leave NUJS, IIM, St. Xavier are also in Bengal, and they are also considered to be the best institute in India just because of black magic. Last season, Highest placement among all IIMs was from IIM Calcutta just because of black magic.
St. Xavier has been ranked as the best University for commerce in India, again because of black magic.
The first IIT in the country was established in Bengal, may be due to black magic.
Moreover, persons like Swami vivekanand, Amartya Sen, Rabindra Nath tagore, Kishore Kumar, Satyajit Ray must be performed some black magic over the world.
WoW! if black magic is so beneficial , there it is very good indeed.
Cheers !
Are you weird ?
like seriously ?
(@blair - that was not a lame comment.)
@legallyIndian - i am surprised and heartened to note that there is one person in this country who has enough faith in the Karnataka CM to quote him as an authority. on ANYTHING. ;)
@anon at #10, sas - do not feed the troll.
@Others: No, I am not weird, like seriously. I can obviously see things which most of you have failed due lack of clairvoyance.
Going by your thought process i am sure you guys will even deny the fact that pyramids were built by aliens and the existence of Snowman.
shame on all you wannabes.
I want to believe !!!
C’mon Nariman...When you can write such an interesting blog (also referred as Post mortem by someone), I am sure you can settled what @ 10 has commented…It would be really good to see how meticulously you reply to @ 10. Let’s hope that at least you try!
legallyIndian also appears to be making exactly the same point although his sarcasm was also misunderstood. therefore - legallyIndian, #10 and i are all in agreement.
This is @10 .
I thought, I would get a better reply to the post which I have written in a better way by explaining how this much could have been achieved by institutions and persons belonging to Bengal.
But anyways I don't give a shit on what LegallyIndian thinks, because it is no way going to affect me and Institutions in Bengal.
And Yeah, I am not in agreement with them. I doubt why could not they understand the irony of the post.
:)
while we're on the subject - my post is in sarcasm as well. thus legallyIndian and i have attempted to say that nujs (and bengal, and bengalis) do NOT in fact rely on black magic. if i'm not wholly mistaken, you've made the same point (in a rather more impassioned manner) in your own comment in #10.
as for our inability to 'understand (your) irony', i find it amusing that your comment fully misunderstood both a satirical post and a sarcastic comment on it. :)
@18 - i really hope this clears things up..
btw Mr. 10 are u really a noojie? if yes then of all people you must have surely practiced some Black Magic to get there at least.
Peace out
NUJS has done well but I can assure you it is not due to any black magic. Also Mr. Menon left becose he wa soffered a prestigous assignment.
Shame on LI for double standards and promoting the cause of NLSIU and its pampered students.
I enjoy the sarcasm more than your jingoism, atleast the sarcasm has a pinch of truth, which some of you have obviously failed to grab.
I also realised that number of people blessed with sense of humor is less and the number of those with the intellectual capacity to enjoy it is lesser.
"People of different communities", please, do not get offended for not having understood the context or the underlying humor at all, for someday you shall look back upon this day and the post and laugh at thine fatuity.
I shall be back with more stories from my deprived and depraved life.
@deprived and depraved - possibly the best comment i have received on any blogpost. you should begin your own blog.
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