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An estimated 4-minute read

This Just In! NLU Delhi soul stealer, cries NUJS - MPL Live

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IMPORTANT NOTE: The following satirical article is wholly fictional with no intent to refer to or offend anyone, any firm or any moot. Every insult/joke has its source in comments (not linked) or various posts (linked) on Jessup judging by Legally India. Again, any offense taken is regrettable, because no offense was meant. Okay, maybe a little. ;)


 “We did not lose because our research was bad. We lost because I did not wear my belt.” Said Mooter Mukherjee coldly.


 “Your belt?” said our confused local correspondent for Legally India’s Mooters’ Pastiche of Lies (MPL) category.


 “My belt. It is made from the skin of a cow found in a Buddhist graveyard at midnight. I  make my grandfather perform black magic on it, black magic is a cherished Bengali tradition, along with empty swearing and alcoholism. Anyway, this belt is my lucky moot belt.”


“Black magic?” said our correspondent in shock.


 “Of course. After all, I am from NUJS, how else will I win a moot. What are you, stupid? Everyone knows that NUJS wins moots with black magic and NLUJ has forgotten how to win moots. Nobody knows why Nalsar wins moots yet, but good conspiracy theories take time to create. Please give us some time.”


“What about NLU Delhi?”


 “It is obvious that NLUD is too young for anything but bottlefeeding competitions. They win by stealing the souls of NLS students.”


 “Stealing souls?” said our correspondent, bleakly.


 “Yes. They look like NLUD students, they sound like NLUD students, but if you cut them open, you will find the souls of NLS students furiously making memos inside the stomachs. Ask anyone from NLS, they all know this truth.”


 “And where are the bodies of these soulless NLS students?” said our correspondent, riveted.


 “What a stupid question. Walking around NLS as usual, of course. Nobody can tell the difference anyway. It’s a brilliant plan.”


 (In conversation with NLUD’s team, for a response to the NUJS team’s allegations)

 “Lies, utter lies!” spluttered Baby Punjabi, the NLU Delhi moot team’s first speaker.


 “Then how do you explain your win at the Perished C. Jurist Moot’s national rounds this year?”


 “The straightforward way of course. Just like everyone else. Great preparation.”


 “Involving what?”


 “Well I topped Geography at my school, so the revision was overall really easy, I just had to run quickly through the minor ports one last time. I almost got caught on the capital of Tajikistan at one point! The judges were very competent and we even exchanged a few witty jokes, heh heh heh” chuckled B. Punjabi in evident self-satisfaction.


 “I’m sorry, wasn’t the moot on International Law?” said our correspondent, dazed.


 “Yes, and one half of the phrase ‘international law’ is ‘international’! So one judge was a Geography teacher! So what! What, are you from one of those NLUs? Is it NLS? Are you jealous of us? Admit it, admit it!” screamed B. Punjabi in a froth of sudden anger, flailing  his arms and fists at our cowering correspondent.


 “Don’t worry, he is just hungry, he will be ok as soon as he gets hourly bottle-feed from our coach.” Said the NLUD researcher sympathetically.


 “His…. bottlefeed?” said our correspondent.


 “Yes, haven’t you heard. NLUD mooters have an anti-spoon policy. We prefer bottles.”


“Suck it, losers! We can eat you for breakfast!” shouted B. Punjabi incoherently, while being led away by security.


 “Yes, but only if you are mixed with milk, easily digestible and served in bottles.” added the researcher patting our correspondent’s shoulder soothingly.


 (in conversation with Mr. Bahana, partner of Bahana & Bahana, organizers of the national rounds of the Perished C. Jurist Moot)

 “Mr. Bahana do you wish to comment on having picked a geography teacher to be judge?”


 “Absolutely. We could not help it. My father is unavailable on Sundays since the Hindu’s special crossword comes out on Sundays. The geography teacher was merely a backup plan.”


 “What do you say to the allegations of the NLS speaker, that this teacher is incompetent to judge these national rounds?”


 “I say to him, what is the use of knowing all this international Treaty-Sheety if you don’t know all the state capitals in your own country. India is best, Jai Bharat Mata Ki. But I also feel sorry for him, he is under great pressure and also had terrible mooting luck” said Mr. Bahana displaying patriotic and sympathetic feelings (in that order).



 “Yes, I do not blame him; did you know Cuddalore is a minor and not major port? Fascinating, fascinating, we learn something new every year!” chuckled Mr Bahana ruffling our correspondent’s hair in a fatherly fashion.


 “Thank you for your comment. The MPL is vastly enriched by your assistance.”


 This exciting update was brought to you by MPL Live, your personal bullshit generator! On the hour, every hour!

Next week in MPL Live - Did ILS mooters perform Jedi Mind Tricks on the judges????!!!!!?!

The truth exposed! Tune in to find out,  only on MPL Live.

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