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Yeah right you pervert pricks. This post isn’t the answer to the kink in you. This post is not on your office fantasies. This is a post on the bad times which may come at “that time of the year” - It’s the appraisal and bonus time. That time of the year when you pretend to be extra cool with the partners. That time of the year when every miss of a semi colon feels like a burning rod shoved where it fits the best. When every cough on a con-call is like a resounding echo in Qutub Minar. When you would want to hold on to your pee till your palms start hurting because of your nails sinking in them so that you can show your partners how you sit on your chair. If you turn out to be one of those hopeless souls getting “laid off” despite all your attempts, here are TOP FIVE READYMADE ALTERNATIVES:


1. The Hopeless Historian

The Sheriffs Fees Act, 1852, Negotiable Instruments Act, 1881, Indian Telegraph Act, 1885 – with so much of vintage and history in law, being a historian is as easy as picking your nose! (eww)

2. The Writer

If you can draft this -

Any other acts whatsoever beyond the reasonable control of the Party affected, then the Party so affected shall upon giving prior written notice to the other be excused from such performance to the extent that such cause prevents, restricts or interferes with it PROVIDED THAT it shall use its best to avoid or remove such cause of non performance and shall continue performance hereunder with the utmost despatch whenever such causes are removed; then upon such prevention, restriction or interference as aforesaid arising, the Investors and the Company shall meet forthwith to discuss what modifications (if any) may be required to the terms of this Agreement in order to arrive at an equitable solution.”

You might as well be the next Shakespeare or Wordsworth.

3. Weird Name Giver

This is a great business idea. The first of its kind. After names project such as Project Chumchum, Project Bulbul, Project Dil(de)do, I am sure naming new-borns babies, cats, caterpillars, gutters hair and mosquitoes is not difficult.

4. Casting (no couch here) Director

Be a casting director for a movie. “If we put Popat and Poet on this project they won’t be compatible. Popat does more of banking work. Maybe Kian and his capital market expertise may help us to get the desired result” – SIMILARLY – “Shah Rukh and Salman Khan cannot be cast in Dhoom 3 together because of their problems. So let’s put SRK with Shahid Kapoor. Shahid Kapoor with his chocolate boy image may make get the desired result and make the movie a hit.”!

5. Fingerer!

Pervert mongrels – Not again - it’s not what you think it is. After years of “fingering” and “pressing” your blackberries, the fingers sure cannot rest any more. You may take up fingering a saxophone or a piano. I am sure a little bit of tweaking and practicing and get you to Altaf Raja heights!

Worry not, the future is filled with opportunities. But keep up the fingering, unless you want to be Laid (off)!

Squawk  Squawk


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