I am in a law firm and I contemplate committing suicide every 20 days... Maybe I am not a law firm material but I need the money to sustain and support my family.
I hear you. You will eventually find something which will make you happy both monetarily and not having a feeling of complete lack of self worth. Just hang in there and know that you are doing this only for money. Even if you can't think of anything else that you could or would do if it wasnt for money. It invariably always gets better as you grow older and older and you start figuring things out, even if it is what you are doing maybe the path. I am thankful at my 40s that I stuck out through my extremely depressive periods in law firms. Mental health needs its own way of special care and no one size fits all - therapists / spirituality/ meditation/ running/ writing/ Camus etc. You can choose to find a way that may help you control your existential crisis.
Whatever you tell yourself, don't say you are not law firm material. Some of the biggest 'successes' in the industry are a bunch of clowns when it comes to legal knowledge and when you realise that even the dumbest and most incompetent people make it big in this profession, there is no reason for such success to elude you. Just be patient and hang in there.
Another fallacy I've seen is that most people in life (not just in law) are not happy, irrespective of whatever they may show the world. Everyone faces severe ups and downs and the pandemic has only made it worse. People often go on the mistaken belief that happiness is only eluding them and not anyone else. That is not true.
If your boss is capable of lending a sympathetic ear (and yes that is a big if), then explain your condition and try and take 2 weeks off if possible. And please get help. There is NO REASON for you to believe that you are not special and unique. You deserve to be happy. So does everybody else.
I love your first point, well wisher and I want to echo the same! Sometimes, we end up being too harsh on ourselves and feel we are not cut out for the same but trust me @OP the more time you spend in law, the more you will realise that so many of the top level people have a rather superficial approach to law and can be quite suprisingly incompetent - I have seen this of people working in firms as well as in house heads and wondered as to how really did they reach this level at the same time trying to tell myself that see!! If he/she can get where they are with how they are then why do you so constantly put yourself down! When we are depressed, we tend so magnify every hurt, every criticism but please try and mentally counter those and take it one day at a time.
Thank you, and I wholeheartedly agree with what you said as well. The fact that we magnify every hurt and criticism is especially true in this profession.
Firstly, take an urgent leave of absence. Two weeks. Make up whatever excuse you need to. Emphasise URGENCY.
Personally, I never had a sane enough boss that I could honestly share my mental health issues with. They weren't bad, but as I mentioned in another comment somewhere, simply lacked that level of consciousness. So it's not a path I can personally recommend.
In your time off I would suggest prioritising (a) a complete timeout from law firm work and colleagues - phone off for several hours a day; (b) talking to a financial planner or wise friend about the minimum you need to support your family + live; (c) chalking out some time to ideate intensely around other career options, that could very well leverage your law degree, bearing in mind whatever amount you arrive at under (b) above.
At minimum, in-house is a fantastic option that allows you to use your degree, earn well, and have basic human rights.
Even if you don't have a job in hand, you'd much rather be alive and unemployed with hope + prospects than dead but technically employed by a law firm. You will 100% find a decent job, it's a matter of time. I have been in your shoes and I still shudder to think of what might have become of me had I not had the courage to leap.
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Fifth year with a T1 PPO and already feeling this. It just seems like such a hopeless way to live life because I can't see an escape route that works (no family money)
I was in the same boat. Work stress did not bother me much but constant humiliation hurt me significantly.
I have been planning to leave my T1 firm for the past one year and did not get any other job. Kept on receiving auto rejections.
But today, after all this time, I have received an offer letter from a decent company. All I want to say is that there is hope at the end of the tunnel.
Stay strong and this phase will get over. Trust me.
Another fallacy I've seen is that most people in life (not just in law) are not happy, irrespective of whatever they may show the world. Everyone faces severe ups and downs and the pandemic has only made it worse. People often go on the mistaken belief that happiness is only eluding them and not anyone else. That is not true.
If your boss is capable of lending a sympathetic ear (and yes that is a big if), then explain your condition and try and take 2 weeks off if possible. And please get help. There is NO REASON for you to believe that you are not special and unique. You deserve to be happy. So does everybody else.
Personally, I never had a sane enough boss that I could honestly share my mental health issues with. They weren't bad, but as I mentioned in another comment somewhere, simply lacked that level of consciousness. So it's not a path I can personally recommend.
In your time off I would suggest prioritising (a) a complete timeout from law firm work and colleagues - phone off for several hours a day; (b) talking to a financial planner or wise friend about the minimum you need to support your family + live; (c) chalking out some time to ideate intensely around other career options, that could very well leverage your law degree, bearing in mind whatever amount you arrive at under (b) above.
At minimum, in-house is a fantastic option that allows you to use your degree, earn well, and have basic human rights.
Even if you don't have a job in hand, you'd much rather be alive and unemployed with hope + prospects than dead but technically employed by a law firm. You will 100% find a decent job, it's a matter of time. I have been in your shoes and I still shudder to think of what might have become of me had I not had the courage to leap.
I have been planning to leave my T1 firm for the past one year and did not get any other job. Kept on receiving auto rejections.
But today, after all this time, I have received an offer letter from a decent company. All I want to say is that there is hope at the end of the tunnel.
Stay strong and this phase will get over. Trust me.