I was recently in Delhi for a negotiation. A hopeless exercise that corporate lawyers indulge in to fight over meaningless commas and paragraphs. The word negotiation is useful only when casually told to impress muggles.

Anand was a dear friend from law school. Anand was a junior with senior advocate at the Supreme Court. As you all know, I am the (young, smart, handsome and incredibly sexy and obese) corporate lawyer in BigLaw. Both Anand and I were good mooters, manipulators of the first order, we wrote articles for the same journals, we were both popular in law school - it was just a GPA of 0.03, our love for corporate law and litigation and 2 inches of “length” that separated us. I accidentally bumped into Anand in the Delhi office of BigLaw, pleasantries exchanged and the time and place for drinks in the evening were fixed. On the surface we loved each other, but seething beneath the surface was this latent hatred fuelled by the race to be better than the other.

I knew this drink session was only going to be a discussion on between us on who was doing better. Sitting in the taxi, I was making mental notes for rebuttals which were to be presented.

8:34 p.m, at a bar in New Friends Colony (aww how ironic!)

Beer pitchers ordered and fake smiles given, mugs hit against each other, opening arguments initiated. Anand in his nonchalance with all his litigative smoothness said “I met Ratan Tata recently for his statements on the 2G scandal”. Attempting to emulate the same suaveness I retorted “I meet Chairmen and CEO’s every other day, what’s so great about that?”. (I LIED- reality is I only look at them from a distance at closings and concentrate on getting my woman in red for the night).

Nevertheless I win, Corporate Lawyer:1; Litigation Lawyer:0

9:12 p.m.

We realize that we had finished a pitcher of beer in record time. More beer ordered after a round of vodka shots. Arguments continue, intersped with random references to eccentric professors and married classmates. I started my second submission “You litigators as juniors do nothing but carry around files from court to court, remind seniors of which courts their arguments are and appear before judges for Passovers, which is like saying ‘time-please’ while playing hide and seek as a kid”. Anand with his trademark calmness retorted “That better than searching for errors in commas and semi colons in share purchase agreements”. The sonnava biatch had won this round.

Corporate Lawyer: 1; Litigation Lawyer:1

10:45 p.m. (While sipping some more beer with Tandoori Chicken)

Both of us were sozzled. I could see my pink nose. I could make out that Anand’s eyes were meandering around. I exclaimed (while checking out some Delhi hotties who had just walked  from the corner of my eye) “We corporate lawyers make more money than you litigation imbeciles”. Anand smiled and said “Only today, 10 years down the line you will be a name sake ‘salaried’ partner while I will be sitting on my own clientele with my own practice and as my own boss!”.

The pug faced, rooh afza drinking buffoon had won this one too. (it was that bloody smirk on his face that I want to wipe out).

Corporate Lawyers: 1; Litigation Lawyer:2.

The chicks who had  just walked in sat right next to our table. There was this one mini skirt cutie - The typical Delhi Lajpat Nagar chick – all booty no brains, she was hot to look at but a horror to listen to. I heard her say the words “Butts, Snakes (probably for snacks), Tusshar Kapoor and Saaxy” in one single sentence. But a few beers down, who really cares. I looked Anand and he knew exactly what was on my mind.

Turned our chairs and introduced ourselves in the women. Showered all the attention to our mini skirt woman. We offered to buy her drinks, took her to the bar. She asked us what we did – I with my fake accent said “I am a corporate lawyer”…”ohhh haav exshiting” she said.

Anand’s turn: “I am a litigator” he said trying hard to hide his bong-bihari accent. The chick started laughing, and said “What’s that? Sounds like a new version of the ‘Tarminator’ movie”. A was on the floor laughing, she was squealing too thinking she had just cracked a wise one, Anand managed a smile.

Embarassed, Anand excused himself after that round of shots. I continued drinking with her for the night. (Since my girlfriend reads this blog, I will refrain from expounding on what happened next).

What if Litigation Lawyers are the real lawyers (No its true,I accept it), we corporate lawyers get all the chicks.

DudeDiligence is BigLaw certified asshole. He loves his beer and banter and is open to discussing everything illegal over a beer.