An anonymous Nalsar Hyderabad student has published an open letter as a post on a popular Nalsar Hyderabad Facebook page called The Nalsar Community, sharing her experiences of an alleged sexual assault by her unnamed friend and fellow student.
The post has gone viral on Facebook, garnering hundreds of likes and many messages of support from fellow students, alumni and others.
Her account, the aftermath and how she has begun to heal emotionally, is worth reading in full.
Appropriate trigger warnings apply.
This is an OPEN LETTER, written by an anonymous undergraduate student at Nalsar University of Law about her Campus Sexual Assault. It was published with the consent of the victim. This is her story:
I was sexually assaulted by my best friend.Coming out and saying this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I mean, I’m a strong person who never ever thought this could happen to me. This only happens to other people; how could I be the victim? I occasionally drink alcohol, yes. I love spending my free time chilling at the local dhaba with my friends and watching movies. I wear dresses and have male friends. I’m like any other regular girl you would meet. I could never be a victim. Right? Right? Wrong.
I ought to start from the beginning. I went through a break up after a very long and very serious relationship last October and naturally, I was a mess. That was when “He” happened. I can no longer think of him as anything but “Him”, someone I thought I knew, someone I trusted, but someone who is now nameless to me because I genuinely can’t comprehend his identity. At a time when I thought I couldn’t trust anyone, I found him always there. I began to trust him, to depend on him and to feel so safe with him that at times I lay my head on his chest just to hear his heart and calm down in my worst moments. I had a connection that I couldn’t define but was just so thankful to have. I would and did do anything for him. He was my closest friend and confidante. As our friendship grew, so did my closeness to him.
One day, during the winter break in December last year, he kissed me. It was so sudden and unexpected and it left us both confused and apprehensive about what this meant for us. We both were clear that we weren’t romantically interested in one another, but sooner or later, a physical relationship took off, continuing right into the next semester beginning in January.
I truly wasn’t romantically interested but also did not consider it a hook-up. I believed I had far too deep an emotional connection with him for that. He wanted to take it further physically and I truly did consider it over time. The funny thing is, he was always the guy who never seemed interested in girls, never drank, never smoked and has an impeccable image to all those who know him or of him. And yet, here we were.
The only problem was, he never seemed to be able to make up his mind. One day, I was his closest friend, the next day, I was someone he wanted to be intimate with and the third, I was someone he didn’t even want to accidentally brush his finger or shoulder against. I was confused but he was my best friend so I did my best to understand and fix it. We had several fights and several long talks. Things improved. Then one night he called me out of the blue and told me that he didn’t care about me. I was shattered. I remember sobbing uncontrollably and begging for a reason. I didn’t even know what I did. I went to him the next day and begged for us to put whatever happened behind us, and he casually agreed that we could “try.” I never realized how trapped I was.
He was perfect. He was that guy who always seemed “too good”. He was, and still is perceived as that proper boy with the classic traditional Indian morals of being a good boy, and never dating girls. He never touched a drop of alcohol. Never smoked a cigarette. He was the poster boy for “decency” and never did an immoral thing in life…or so everyone thought.
Then one day, several weeks later around mid-March, I happened to have too much to drink and revealed that I was confused and upset about his hot-and-cold attitude towards me, especially regarding our physical relationship and apparently the impression conveyed was that I felt he had ‘used me’. “Him”, the boy with the perfect image and the apparent undying respect for women. The next day, I met him early in the morning once I had sobered up and we both cried and I apologized for ages, trying to get him to believe I didn’t mean it that way. It was the first time I saw him cry and I was disgusted with what I had done. We ended up kissing. That is when it happened.
Writing it out makes it sound so dramatic. The thing is, it was so real when it did happen and yet, so unreal. He began to kiss me fiercely and grabbed my wrists. I remember being terrified at this sudden use of force and being pushed up against a wall. At this point I began to feel frightened and fight back. I attempted to push him off and tried to speak. I remember thinking he was strong and being genuinely scared. I kept repeating no, I don’t want this, I really don’t, this is wrong. I told him to let go of me because he was hurting me and he did but then said he wanted me to make him ejaculate. I must’ve looked horrified but he said if I didn’t help him, he would do it on his own. I remember just sinking to the floor and curling up, begging him to stop. He refused.
After a point, I just sat there and kept chanting to myself that it would be over soon. He demanded to know if he could ‘come on me’ and I just sat there shaking. He turned away and finished and I continued to stay blank. Eventually he finished, but that strong girl that existed somewhere inside of me wouldn’t let me accept defeat. I wanted to talk to him about what just happened, but he told me that he didn’t want to talk because he felt like he would “faint from the hunger’. That was it. That was the end of it. It was over.
I locked myself up in the room that day and couldn’t even get myself to cry. My mind didn’t want to accept it. He refused to talk to me all day. All he said is he needed time to deal with ‘what I had said’. Later that afternoon, I was fortunate enough to have a friend come and find out what had happened. She spoke to me and helped me realize what had happened was wrong; I had refused to accept it up to that point. I messaged him and told him which he asked me to talk to him. I met him and he seemed sorry and told me that if I truly felt there had been force involved, he could not be friends with me. He also said that he hadn’t actually touched me after I told him not to and that I was ‘doing what he expected me to do, blame everyone else when all he had asked for was time’. At that point, I perhaps ought to have stuck by the fact that I knew force had been used. But I couldn’t. I just couldn’t fathom another emotional ordeal. I couldn’t handle the fact that not only had this happened, I might have to deal with losing him. As perverse as this sounds, I just couldn’t. I hadn’t yet sorted it out in my mind, heck I hadn’t even stopped being shocked. I retreated into a shell. Blanked out. I actually comforted him. It sickened me, but I did. I refused to use the word sexual assault, even to myself. I denied it. I buried it.
All I knew is that every time I thought of what happened with him, I felt dirty. After that, I wouldn’t let anyone be intimate with me, physically or emotionally, even as a friend. I never let anyone touch me again. I shut myself off from the world. Weeks and weeks full of self-contemplation, blaming and doubting myself, and feeling alone and trapped.
Months later, after rounds of counseling and the support of some wonderful friends, I slowly came to realize that what had happened was not my fault. For a long time, I told myself that it wasn’t a big deal. I didn’t want to accept that my best friend, my safe place was actually where I’d been harmed. That my trust had been played like this. That I actually kissed him on the cheek that very night the morning after it had happened because he asked me to and I couldn’t think straight. I blamed myself for saying it was okay. I hated myself because I couldn’t stop feeling dirty. I couldn’t get the sounds of my head no matter how hard I tried. I hated myself for being in denial.
Till one day, I was lucky enough to have a group of some wonderful people help me deal with it, to face it, to know no matter what, this was not my fault. They were people who saw it through, right from helping me realize that it really was sexual assault, to encouraging me and supporting me through this coming out.
This open letter took a lot of thought and a lot of building up my courage. I feared backlash, I feared people speculating, stories being twisted, blame being transferred. To so many people, this might be gossip. But to me, it is the nightmare I have to live with every single day. Things I know I cannot deal with on top of dealing with what has happened. But I also know that I was lucky enough to get support and I want there to be openness, for people to know that there is always a space to talk about it. As one of my friends quoted from Harry Potter (yes, it was one of my coping mechanisms to re-read the entire series), ‘help is always given to those who ask for it’. I have written from the heart because this was one the most unexpected and traumatizing things to happen to me. It may not have been rape, but it was sexual assault and I accept that now. This was a person whom I had a completely different perception of, someone everyone has a completely different perception of. He is a vociferous speaker for womens rights and respecting them, a huge advocate of consent. He doesn’t drink. Doesn’t smoke. Doesn’t date girls. He is so very perfect. And he is the person I have to see every day in the classroom, knowing what he did, scared of speaking out for all the self-doubt and fear and just denial.
I was scared because I know it can be twisted to where I am the one to blame, the one who is bringing this up after time has lapsed now just to cause trouble because we aren’t friends anymore; that I want to ruin his life. Whatever. What about MY life? I know it can be construed and misconstrued in a million different ways. I will never say that through our entire dynamic, I haven’t made mistakes. I have, plenty of them. But I have now come to have the confidence in myself to know that none of it warranted what he did to me and I certainly did not deserve to feel that my mistakes overshadow this to the extent where I asked for it, because I didn’t ask for it.
This is no movie where I end by saying I’m not scared anymore and I walk off strong and happy into the sunset. I’m still scared, I’m still coping. His last message to me ended with ‘I am out’. I may not be walking off a new person into the sunset, but I do know that while a major part of my life, this is not my whole life.
He cannot and will not be the center of all my thoughts. I speak out now because though I am scared, I’m also proud of myself. I’m going to take it one day at a time. I want people to know that this can happen to anyone. Sexual assault happens in ways that you would not even imagine, it could have happened to you. It can happen with your boyfriend or girlfriend, your professor, or even your best friend.
It can happen when you least expect it to. It can happen, and you don’t even realize that it happened. I want people to know that there will always be the fear of those who will be against you. There will always be a fear of people not believing you, and people spreading rumors about you and limiting your story to worthless gossip.
But know that there will always be people who will stand up for you, and those are the people who matter. Maybe this coming out of sorts will generate talk for a while and then soon be forgotten. But if it reaches out to even one person, helps them realize that you can believe that you will always have support, I will have succeeded in reaching one step closer to my peace. I for one will continue to have faith in people and my journey to that sunset. And I hope that I will be able to continue holding my head up high.
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With respect to 'a student from Nalsar was arrested for harassing an Indigo air hostess. Everyone was silent.' Yes - that was hypocrisy. Most of us never spoke to the person concerned thereafter. The admin couldn't/didn't act as the matter was sub-judice, and now the person concerned has passed out of the University.
With respect to 'this is RAPE and action must be taken'. Kindly take the pains to read through the statement made anonymously. You haven't as of now. It is rape. It is sexual assault. The victim can - as and when she feels comfortable to - pursue the matter under the Sexual Harassment Policy or register a complaint with the police. Only once either is done can action be taken.
Without knowing A or B - how do we take action? How does Dhanda? How do the so-called feminists? Stop using this moments of agony and pain, now shared with great courage as a means to vent your personal agenda/frustration etc.
Nalsar as an institution which promotes individuality and expression of views, which as is clear from the open letter - and subsequent outrage by the faculty and students alike, displays the strong social and moral ethos which is embedded (via the institution) in its wards.
So rather than maligning an institution (in a rather dramatic manner), it would serve well to dig deep into the matter and understand the problem that plagues and severely affects the social frabric of this generation.
it takes immense courage to do so, and this is not a scene only in NALSAR, but all law universities r any others.
Though yes, the environment has not been very conducive to such reporting, but that is due to the patriarchy being replicated in the campus, something we all are striving hard to fight against.
It's pretty sad that someone commenting on this thread did not even check the amount of support flowing for the complainant, or the solidarity and quick action being taken not only by fellow students, but also by alumni and the administration. A meeting is being held tomorrow, with the members and volunteers of the Committee Against Sexual Harassment.
It's easy to blame and call names and a little difficult to look beyond.
P.s. also, looking at the huge amount of support pouring in for the person, with students making this post viral, I dont see how 'reputation' is even a bar.
In fact, the fact that all of us are ready to expose what is wrong strengthens that we are a community that wants to bring change.
(also the fact that the nalsar committee was the forum that shared it).
But with the huge publicity given to the ‘alleged’ harassment and the ‘real’ support pouring in for the girl, I am sure that the ‘alleged’ offender (who was, and still is perceived as that proper boy with the classic traditional Indian morals of being a good boy) is done.
By the way, I am a huge Emily Ratajkowski fan. According to her, "Sex is normal. Desire is normal. Attention is normal, and that's okay."
The post on ‘The Nalsar Community’ page concentrates more on describing the guy’s image. The excerpts are below: ‘he was always the guy who never seemed interested in girls, never drank, never smoked and has an impeccable image to all those who know him or of him…’ ‘the boy with the perfect image and the apparent undying respect for women…’ ‘He was, and still is perceived as that proper boy with the classic traditional Indian morals of being a good boy, and never dating girls. He never touched a drop of alcohol. Never smoked a cigarette. He was the poster boy for “decency” and never did an immoral thing in life…’ ‘He is a vociferous speaker for womens rights and respecting them, a huge advocate of consent. He doesn’t drink. Doesn’t smoke. Doesn’t date girls. He is so very perfect…’ Blah, Blah, Blah…
And yes, you are right. People are sharing and requesting others to share the letter on FB. Some are thanking media for carrying the story. A few of such posts are gross and below the belt. For instance, this post on FB compares the NALSAR guy to Brock Turner who was found guilty of following three felonies: (a) assault with intent to rape an intoxicated woman, (b) sexually penetrating an intoxicated person with a foreign object, and (c) sexually penetrating an unconscious person with a foreign object. Link to the post: www.facebook.com/sarala.morusupalli/posts/10210907307218404
Its more like the opposite of 'she was asking for it'.
Now can someone tell me whether jerking off in front of a ‘make out buddy’ is sexual harassment/rape? They both had a ‘physical relationship’ going on for some time. On the ‘alleged’ harassment day, they kissed each other. Later, he asked her for a hand job and she refused. He helped himself and his ‘make out buddy’ felt sexually harassed. Given that they both had ‘physical relationship’ going on for some time, the two things that went against her will/wishes on that day were: (i) her ‘make out buddy’ jerked off after she refused to give him a hand job and (ii) he left her without talking because he felt like he would ‘faint from the hunger’ (I am not surprised). How would the above actions constitute rape?
Kian and other readers, I may sound like an idiot / a deviant / a remorseless sexual offender. Kindly help me understand the rape involved in this case? May be, I am missing something and I am willing correct my stand on this issue.
I completely understand her frustration from being close to a ‘hot/cold’ friend/boyfriend (my best friend is the epitome of ‘hot/cold’ behavior and I can completely understand it). She may also have felt as being used by this guy (that’s exactly how you feel when you have a ‘hot/cold’ friend/boyfriend/girlfriend). But alleging 'rape', that is cruel joke.
As described in the open letter, it includes sexual harassment and sexual assault but not rape. I don't think rape is seriously being discussed right now, no?
I think the main thing your comment is missing is that you don't mention consent.
The alleged lack of consent, even amongst 'make out buddies', as you call them, is critical here.
There is a reason why the letter which was posted has been posted 'anonymously'. Yes NALSAR is a small campus and people will speculate as is human nature. But if the objective of the letter was 'media-trial' or to make the attacker's life miserable or any other such thing, the person concerned would have revealed his name from the outset itself.
The reason why the attacker's character is described is to highlight that sexual assault could happen anytime, anywhere and by anyone. This person would never be considered capable of such an act and yet, this has happened.
The point of writing an open letter was to incite conversation about sexual assault / harassment and making our campus a safer place where people could freely talk about their experiences without the fear of backlash and victim-blaming. And that is exactly what the letter has accomplished! We are glad that the administration has taken notice of such events occurring on campus. We are glad that conversation is happening about making our campus safer, about having better support groups, etc.
The reason for sharing this on various media platforms and on FB is to ensure that the conversation does not die out as happens to countless other cases.
We want to encourage others to report their experiences.
As already stated in some comments above, there has been no claim of rape. There is only an allegation of sexual assault. This is a case of much more than a friend blowing hot and cold. When A is cowering on the floor in fear and B refuses to stop 'jerking-off' after being told to stop repeated times, that is a clear NO. That means that there is NO CONSENT. This is a clear violation of one's personal space and is clearly sexual assault.
I would also like to know what statistics you are using to so subtly state that women make false rape accusations and therefore, this complaint might also be false. Just like for any other alleged crime, a false allegation has to be proved. For any other crime, we would not begin from the belief that it is false. It has to be proved to be false. Consider here the fact that this was NOT a formal allegation. Writing an open letter was the victim's way of making a space for others to speak up, for others to know that there is support for their experiences and that they will not be shut down, judged and ridiculed if they voice their opinion.
I would also like to point out that the manner and language that you have chosen to address this issue is callous and uncalled for. It invalidates the experience of the person who has written the letter. This is a sensitive issue and you have clearly demonstrated why the person writing this letter needs anonymity to come forward with their experience.
"Yes NALSAR is a small campus and people will speculate as is human nature. But if the objective of the letter was 'media-trial' or to make the attacker's life miserable or any other such thing, the person concerned would have revealed his name from the outset itself." -
This is a gross oversimplification of the situation. It's not that black/white and there are several shades of grey that need to be appreciated here.
It is acknowledged that the purpose behind such an open letter might have been to bring about a conversation on sexual harassment, and to make other victims of SH comfortable about sharing their experiences without a fear of backlash.
However, as pointed out by previous comments, the language used in the letter, far from highlighting that "sexual assault could happen anytime, anywhere and by anyone", appear to contain expressions that clearly identify the alleged 'attacker'. Additionally, the comments from the students ostensibly administering the page make it very easy to hazard guesses as to the identities of the parties concerned as well.
From my experience, close-knit student communities such as Nalsar are places where EVERYBODY knows EVERYBODY. Let's not uphold the pretense that anonymity is a thing at a place like Nalsar. Especially in such cases, special care must be taken to preserve the anonymity of the parties, when the intention has clearly been to bring about a conversation and nothing more. Your response that "speculation is human nature" is a severe underestimation of how fast information spreads in Nalsar, or anywhere else for that matter.
While it is commendable that pages such as the Nalsar Community have come out with the victim's account of the events, they ought to be more responsible in terms of how they manage the social media implications of such information being out there.
Rather than organically allowing a conversation to develop, this (judging by the speed at which media outlets have picked up on it) appears to be an aggressive social media campaign, involving students actively approaching media houses. Such campaigns, far from fostering conversations on SH, tend to degrade it to the level of sensationalist gossip, something that, in my experience, Nalsarites, and law students in general, never shy away from. Bar and Bench, if I remember correctly, ran a story entitled "A NALSAR Student was sexually assaulted. Click here for her open letter", or some such Buzzfeed-esque clickbait.
And consequently, once the focus is taken off the prevalence of SH on campuses (and the creation of safe spaces), it devolves into a game of whodunit, which serves nobody's interest here. Therefore, in the absence of a genuine, organically developed conversation, the whole exercise becomes counterproductive.
That having been said, it's heartening to note the solidarity displayed by the student community with the victim at what is undoubtedly a trying time. Something like this would have been unthinkable at Nalsar ten, even five years ago. Good stuff, guys.
I think that the students are dealing with a situation like this for the first time as well. We all know that the campus is very small and gossip spreads faster than fire. It has been stressed time and again that the objective in writing this letter was NOT to point a guilty finger at the alleged attacker.
To all the calls for formal action... it is not such an easy decision to make. It is all fine and good to say that this open letter has led to a situation of 'her word against his word'. But consider the fact that in a formal action also, we need to have evidence, witnesses, etc. Where would one find evidence and witnesses for such a private situation?
In one such complaint earlier, the formal proceeding was also a battle between 'my friends versus your friends'.
Similarly, if you were on campus last year when a NALSAR student was arrested regarding an incident of sexual harassment, you are well aware of how the debate around that incident occurred. Anyone who dared to voice an opinion against the said student, was brutally shut down with comments which were different variations of "I have known him for many years. He is incapable of doing something like this. You do not know him, so don't say anything."
All of these factors will definitely play into anyone's decision of filing a formal complaint. And it is not a burden that anyone can forcibly place on the victim.
Also I agree with you that it would be a wonderful thing to let such conversation develop organically. This is one incident that has been brought to light in such a public manner. However, it is not the only incident that has occurred in NALSAR in the last couple of years. Yet, it is only now that we see the admin as well as the SBC springing into action. I personally believe that social media has played a positive role in this situation to spur on the conversation that should have started much before.
I urge the students to handle the situation as delicately and with as much sensitivity as possible.
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