It’s been exactly a month since my last post. 

In the meantime, I have worked on and closed three multi-million pound deals, forgotten several important family birthdays, missed social events and temporarily lost the ability to tell which day of the week it is.

While in itself this is not particularly shocking, it inevitably leads me to the question- are corporate lawyers happy with the way their lives are turning out?

I asked around and while most of our ilk basks in the glorious sunshine of the corporate life, the few that are disgruntled have certain complaints.

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1. Ticket to Ride (Year: 1965; Album: Help!; Authors: Lennon with McCartney)

 Any journey to Dante’s Fourth Circle of Hell (Avarice and Prodigality) starts in law school where (without the services of Chris Nolan’s dream-inducing protagonist) the idea is planted in young, impressionable minds that picking up a corporate job is the ultimate mark of success in law school. The brightest, i.e., who land a job with Ramachand & Saunf are regarded with the sort of awe that was previously reserved for the dashing opening bat that knocked off a century in the first ten overs of the final house match. The mental picture painted is one of a room full of geniuses pulling ideas out of the proverbial hat to solve complex legal problems that would boggle the ordinary mind. Inevitably, one aspires to be the object of such reverence.

In most cases, however, what follows is disappointingly anti-climactic. As Folly Nariman points out in her entry Due Diligence and Dreaming Beyond It., the work can be desperately mind-numbing and after a while even the most enthusiastic worker is aware that he/she has been lured into and trapped in an Indonesian sweatshop. Upon identification of this fact, some quit pretty quickly and take up the fine arts. Others switch firms every couple of years hoping that they come across something that excites them. The rest grumble a bit about being sold a dummy pass, but decide to take one on the chin and continue on with the ride.

2. I’ll Keep You Satisfied (Year: 1963, Single; Authors: McCartney with Lennon)

Corporate lawyers are in a service industry wherein the retention of clients is a significant aspect. Fulfilling every little client whim and fancy is the corporate lawyer’s avowed goal and mission. If the lawyer doesn’t deliver to their exacting expectations, clients will simply up and go someplace else humming the Rolling Stones signature anthem. To guard against this, the corporate lawyer sleeps with one eye on his/her blinking red BlackBerry and when he/she buys a suit, he/she buys two jackets to go with it- one to leave on his/her office chair in the rare instances he/she goes home, just to make sure everyone knows he/she remains at their beck and call at all times.

3. A Hard Days Night (Year: 1964; Album: A Hard Day’s Night; Author: Lennon)

As a direct offshoot of my point above, it is a well known fact hours can be pretty bad at law firms leaving lawyers little time for anything else. As a result, law firms see some of the highest attrition rates across the board. In India, it is rumoured that a huge factor contributing to this is the conscious understaffing of law offices to boost profitability, the operating logic being the abundance of eager law graduates waiting and willing to step into the shoes of those who refuse to bear the donkey-load any longer. Each time, however, the fact being conveniently ignored is that the investment made by the firm in training these people is lost when they leave, thus exacerbating the understaffing issue and a pretty vicious cycle ensues. While conditions in the UK are slightly better, the billable hour centric law firm model ensures that associates keep their nose to the grindstone. From bonuses to appraisals to redundancies, it all comes down to the number of hours recorded.

Since the corporate lawyer bathes, brushes, eats, sleeps, prays and parties at the office itself, I am severely tempted to ask the question why they end up working a job they abhor to pay the rent for that fancy apartment they don’t even get to live in.

4. With A Little Help From My Friends (Year: 1967; Album: Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band; Authors: Lennon and McCartney)

Any law firm worth its salt has a highly charged, competitive atmosphere. It’s what you get when you put a set of very bright, ambitious and politically astute people in an enclosed environment. A law firm isn’t a place for the lily-livered. The soft underbellies are identified early and slaughtered mercilessly. While Darwin’s survival of the “fittest” theory doesn’t quite fit the bill here (See Volenti "Non Fit" Injuria), Mario Puzo’s advice on chilling more with your enemies than your friends is practised widely. For example, since being slightly paranoid makes better lawyers, newbies are advised to be wary of each other, as a verbal slip during a night out drinking could make all the difference at the next round of promotions. Often, it does and life lessons of distrust are learnt.

5. When I’m Sixty-Four (Year: 1967; Album: Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band; Author: Lennon)

A lot of corporate lawyers are now concerned about how they will feel when they take a look back at their lives. Ironically, it’s this maniacal self-obsession that makes them such great lawyers in the first place. Their main worry, of course, is that they won’t have too much in their biographies which will be rated PG-13. Few corporate lawyers (for no fault of theirs I might add) have had time for things like justice, making a difference and helping the disadvantaged. Bill Gates (who ranked 8^th as a “Hero of our Times”) and his humanitarian philanthropy, therefore, is now turning out to be a dangerous influence on corporate lawyers. 

Also, there are only so many pages over which one can stretch hostile takeover negotiations, irrespective of how brilliantly they may have been carried on.

6. Can’t Buy Me Love (Year: 1964; Album: A Hard Day’s Night; Author: McCartney)

The natural retort any semi-intelligent reader would have is why all the complaining when the corporate lawyer is paid so handsomely. Some would call it being hypocritical since the corporate lawyer was under no obligation to sell his/her soul. Undoubtedly, the argument has its merits, but as any self-respecting life guru will tell you a hefty bank balance will get you a titillating lap-dance but the nice lady won’t be waiting up to listen to you whine when you get home after a bad day.

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Admittedly, I probably fall on the more whiny side of things so my vision might be slightly skewed. But my limited survey tells me that I’m not alone.

Happiness, they sang, is a warm gun.